It’s It was our nations 142nd birthday today yesterday! In honour of this momentous occasion, this post will celebrate all a few things Canadian, and maybe even some things we wish weren’t Canadian. While we are at it, we will enjoy some pictures of the fantastic scenery to be found around this great country of ours. Then, when we are done, we will head outdoors to finish off the day celebrating Canada Day in traditional Canuck style with hot dogs, softball, poorly attended parades, and blind drunkenness. If we still have some time left over, we might even tell our loved ones what we really think of them. Fun!
First, let’s start off with some of the things that make us proud to be from the Great White North:
Cheezies. They are so good, only half the bag made the photo shoot. They also come in handy if the power goes out and you should need a candle, or a campfire. Yup, they burn that good. Real slow like.
Giant Beavers. Not to be confused with ridiculously oversized vaginas. That is a topic for a completely different but nonetheless extremely important post.
Our hard-working government employees. I took this picture of a uniformed Canadian Coast Guard Ice-Checker out my front window this morning. They even work on our nation’s birthday!
Canada is also know the world over for its stunning scenery and awe-inspiring landscapes. Some of our world famous landmarks include the Rocky Mountains, Niagara Falls, and Pamela Anderson’s magically expanding and contracting chest. Another interesting fact about Canada is that it shares the world’s longest undefended border with our friends to the south, the United States. Just in case our American neighbours should find this fact disturbing, due to fear of terrorists using Canada as a launch pad for activities in the States, there is no need to worry.
Although technically undefended, the US-Canada border is watched over by thousands of stone-faced, humourless, tight-assed border guards who are deftly skilled in the art of stupid question asking. If there is one test a terrorist fears more than any other, it is answering stupid questions. More than one suicide bomber has accidentally answered a US Border Guard’s skillfully worded question: “Y’all got a receipt for that bag of Cheezies?” with: “I come to destroy you, infidel!” resulting in their immediate arrest and deportation the sixteen feet back into Canada. Asinine questions are like Kryptonite to terrorists. If those of you reading this in the States should have any further concerns, we hope you sleep better at night knowing that Canada has recently spent literally thousands of dollars upgrading our border security measures, as shown by this photo of our new, state-of-the-art border crossing facility at Beaverlodge, Alberta:
“Did you hear a knock?” “No, I didn’t hear a knock.” “Phew! Thank goodness, eh. I heard terrorists always knock first before coming in.”
Well this has been just a short list of the things that make this great country so special and super-interesting. I feel like I would be remiss if I didn’t also pay tribute to a few famous Canadians who make their livings far from home. Although they might be feeling a little nostalgic today about their homeland, I would like to assure them on behalf of all Canadians that there is no hurry to rush back. In fact, feel free to stay right where you are. Forever if need be.
Seriously, Celine. Caesar’s will miss you if you leave. Just stay. Stay right there.
C’mon, Paul. What would Dave do if you left? I mean really, it’s not like retarded monkeys grow on trees you know. You should totally stay. Totally.
All joking aside (except for Shaffer and Celine, them I wasn’t joking about), the people we should take a moment to think about today are our men and women of the Canadian Armed Forces serving in Afghanistan. Despite what you might think about the reasons for our country going there, these people are putting their lives in harm’s way to try and help the Afghan people claim some of the freedoms that we take for granted. Showing support for the members of our armed forces is not jingoistic, misguided patriotism. It is a sign of respect for the boots on the ground, and the danger they face each day. Until Afghan girls can go to school without the fear of acid being sprayed in their face or witnessing their teacher being beheaded in the front of their classroom, these people are willing, able, and ready to help. They do so with pride and respect for the Afghan people, and return tour after tour, hoping to make a difference. Will it all work out? Who knows? I hope so. Until then, let’s take a second to remember how good we have it, and wish our forces a safe and happy homecoming, one day soon, I hope. Let’s also hope they can leave behind a safe and free Afghanistan, so their sacrifices will have been worth something.
Hang in there and be safe.
We are responsible for cheezies??
ReplyDeleteWho needs Social Studies class when you have RBG!
B to tha S, could any other country be responsible for Cheezies? While the US was working on the uber-boring Manhattan Project, the Canadian government was researching an irresistible snack food that could almost instantly cause our enemies to lose the will to fight. It would also lead to clogged arteries and certain death in short order.
ReplyDeleteMission Accomplished.