From Beyond the Grave, Part 3

We know it seems a little early to be bothering Billy so soon after his untimely passing, but honestly, we didn’t think anyone else could have a snowball’s chance in Hell of hawking these products. We caught Billy on a busy Sunday afternoon of blowing out discounted souls in Heaven (3 for 1! No hidden shipping charges! Guaranteed to work or a full refund!) and he agreed to help us out. We really appreciate Billy taking the time to come back and put his classic sales spin on these products. He assured us it was no problem, and that “Heaven Can Wait.” Ha Ha! Good one, Billy! Man, we miss this guy.

Thanks for coming in Billy, take it away!:

“Hi folks! Billy Mays here! Have you been finding yourself feeling a little down lately!? Did some sort of affirmative action loving terrorist bust up your favourite lawn jockey!? Can’t seem to find a way to display your latent racism in a public fashion without some bleeding heart taking you to task for it!? You need the Chia Obama! The Chia Obama fits safely on a windowsill inside your home, out of the reach of liberal vandals, and yet still allows you to show the world that you’re not shy to display creepily racist tokens that seem like artifacts from some bygone era!”

“Imagine the hours of fun you can have with your Chia Obama! You can practice giving him different haircuts or let that sucker grow out until it will hold a pick! Imagine snickering to yourself as you sit him down on the coffee table and force him to watch Bill O’Reilly with you! If you act now, we’ll send you not one, not two, not three, but fifteen Chia Obamas for one low price of $5.99! That’s right, fifteen for the price of one! We’ve got truckloads of these things that aren’t moving, so act now, before you’re the only white supremacist on the block without one! As a final special incentive, if you order before noon today, we’ll send along a voucher for a free Limited Edition Chia Michael Bolton, due to be released as soon as the fine folks at Chia figure out how to get one to grow Shredded Wheat for hair! Don’t delay, folks, order today!”

Wow, nice work, Billy! We’ve just got one more product for you:

“You’re shitting me, right? Oh, well, here goes nothing. Hey, folks, Billy Mays here again! Have you ever found yourself wishing you had an extra hand to help with those everyday tasks around the house!? Ever tried to put the condiments on your hot dog bun, but didn’t have anyone around to hold your wiener while you were doing it!? The Mr. Happy Hand is there for you! Not only will it hold your wiener, when you start up it’s patented Stroke Action ©, it will actually use the awesome power of friction to keep your wiener hot until it’s ready to be put in the bun. Just make sure you don’t start the Stroke Action © motor too soon, because you might find your wiener worn out and limp before it even gets in the bun! It’s that powerful!”

“Use the Mr. Happy Hand to help in the garden, too! It’s patented Stroke Action © is guaranteed to make your hose spray evenly and predictably every time, and unlike your own hands, it will never succumb to carpal tunnel syndrome or bothersome hair growth. Use it around the house to shake the TV remote so you can get those last few clicks out of the batteries! Need both hands to type on your blog!? Use the Mr. Happy Hand to hold onto your kielbasa until it’s lunchtime! The Mr. Happy Hand helps you concentrate on the important tasks at hand, without using your own hands! Order today before midnight and we’ll throw in a free bottle of disinfectant, perfect for cleaning your Mr. Happy Hand after it has completed its various stroking tasks! So order quickly folks, these babies are going fast, some are even going off early, and you sure don’t want to be left holding your own wiener!”

Gee, thanks, Billy! That was great! Say hello to God for us when you get back, I’m sure you guys hang out all the time. Boy, there goes one classy guy. Why do they only take the good ones so young?