It’s Canada D’eh! (Well, a d’eh late).

It’s It was our nations 142nd birthday today yesterday! In honour of this momentous occasion, this post will celebrate all a few things Canadian, and maybe even some things we wish weren’t Canadian. While we are at it, we will enjoy some pictures of the fantastic scenery to be found around this great country of ours. Then, when we are done, we will head outdoors to finish off the day celebrating Canada Day in traditional Canuck style with hot dogs, softball, poorly attended parades, and blind drunkenness. If we still have some time left over, we might even tell our loved ones what we really think of them. Fun!

First, let’s start off with some of the things that make us proud to be from the Great White North:

Cheezies. They are so good, only half the bag made the photo shoot. They also come in handy if the power goes out and you should need a candle, or a campfire. Yup, they burn that good. Real slow like.

Giant Beavers. Not to be confused with ridiculously oversized vaginas. That is a topic for a completely different but nonetheless extremely important post.

Our hard-working government employees. I took this picture of a uniformed Canadian Coast Guard Ice-Checker out my front window this morning. They even work on our nation’s birthday!

Canada is also know the world over for its stunning scenery and awe-inspiring landscapes. Some of our world famous landmarks include the Rocky Mountains, Niagara Falls, and Pamela Anderson’s magically expanding and contracting chest. Another interesting fact about Canada is that it shares the world’s longest undefended border with our friends to the south, the United States. Just in case our American neighbours should find this fact disturbing, due to fear of terrorists using Canada as a launch pad for activities in the States, there is no need to worry.

Although technically undefended, the US-Canada border is watched over by thousands of stone-faced, humourless, tight-assed border guards who are deftly skilled in the art of stupid question asking. If there is one test a terrorist fears more than any other, it is answering stupid questions. More than one suicide bomber has accidentally answered a US Border Guard’s skillfully worded question: “Y’all got a receipt for that bag of Cheezies?” with: “I come to destroy you, infidel!” resulting in their immediate arrest and deportation the sixteen feet back into Canada. Asinine questions are like Kryptonite to terrorists. If those of you reading this in the States should have any further concerns, we hope you sleep better at night knowing that Canada has recently spent literally thousands of dollars upgrading our border security measures, as shown by this photo of our new, state-of-the-art border crossing facility at Beaverlodge, Alberta:

“Did you hear a knock?” “No, I didn’t hear a knock.” “Phew! Thank goodness, eh. I heard terrorists always knock first before coming in.”

Well this has been just a short list of the things that make this great country so special and super-interesting. I feel like I would be remiss if I didn’t also pay tribute to a few famous Canadians who make their livings far from home. Although they might be feeling a little nostalgic today about their homeland, I would like to assure them on behalf of all Canadians that there is no hurry to rush back. In fact, feel free to stay right where you are. Forever if need be.

Seriously, Celine. Caesar’s will miss you if you leave. Just stay. Stay right there.

C’mon, Paul. What would Dave do if you left? I mean really, it’s not like retarded monkeys grow on trees you know. You should totally stay. Totally.

All joking aside (except for Shaffer and Celine, them I wasn’t joking about), the people we should take a moment to think about today are our men and women of the Canadian Armed Forces serving in Afghanistan. Despite what you might think about the reasons for our country going there, these people are putting their lives in harm’s way to try and help the Afghan people claim some of the freedoms that we take for granted. Showing support for the members of our armed forces is not jingoistic, misguided patriotism. It is a sign of respect for the boots on the ground, and the danger they face each day. Until Afghan girls can go to school without the fear of acid being sprayed in their face or witnessing their teacher being beheaded in the front of their classroom, these people are willing, able, and ready to help. They do so with pride and respect for the Afghan people, and return tour after tour, hoping to make a difference. Will it all work out? Who knows? I hope so. Until then, let’s take a second to remember how good we have it, and wish our forces a safe and happy homecoming, one day soon, I hope. Let’s also hope they can leave behind a safe and free Afghanistan, so their sacrifices will have been worth something.

Hang in there and be safe.

Blog Page Challenge, Part 1

Here in good old Beaverland, home of everything that is good and right and insecure in this world, we used to have a long-running panel quiz show called Front Page Challenge. Front Page Challenge ran from 1957 to 1995 on the CBC (Canucks Broadcasting Canadians) television network. The show featured a panel of notable journalists (and the occasional celebrity), all of whom asked questions of a mystery guest in an attempt to guess their identity.

Many of us have fond childhood memories of sitting around the igloo or teepee on a frigid mid-summer night, watching Front Page Challenge while we waited for Grandma to thaw out and bake us some seal-blubber cookies. Poor Grandma, she would often get lost on the four hour return trip to the shit-hole chipped through the lake ice. We would find her frozen stiff, squatting against a tree, her knickers still at half-mast, a startled grunt etched into her face. We would dutifully carry her home and prop her up next to the pot-bellied stove, and wait. At times like these we found ourselves entranced by the flickering black and white images and lock-jawed wooden demeanors of the Front Page Challenge panelists. We all dreamed of one day making the FPC panel, or even better yet, appearing as the mysterious and mystery-ish “mystery guest.”

Sadly, in 1995, Front Page Challenge was cancelled by the CBC. An escalating series of budget cuts during previous seasons had seen all of the quiz panel replaced by wooden mannequins save for one (the change oddly going mostly unnoticed), and the mystery guest replaced by Rich Little, doing his classic brand of charmingly shitty Canadian impressions. By the fifteenth episode of the lone panelist guessing the guest’s identity as “Rich Little doing someone? Maybe a famous person?” it was obvious the show’s heyday had come to an end.

Since we are feeling nostalgic, we have decided to recreate a version of Front Page Challenge here in our very own humble little blog. We have invited a panel of today’s preeminent journalists to participate, and they will attempt to discern the identity of our mystery guest through their insightful and probing questions. Without further ado, I would like to introduce our esteemed three-person panel of respected journalists and one guest celebrity:

Our panel of journalists includes: Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes, Conservative commentator Ann Coulter, and Canadian Journalistic Icon Rex Murphy. Today’s celebrity guest panelist (and the only name celebrity drinking in Toronto this weekend that could come in) is Socio-Fashionalite and Deserving Heiress Paris Hilton.

Hint: our Mystery Guest has recently been featured in the news as both a victim and a victimizer.

Okay, panel, ask away! We’ll start with you, Ann.

“Are you a Jew, Gay, Ethnic, Homo, Liberal, Fruit, Jihad-Lover, Pansy, or Godless America-Hater?”

“ No, Yes, Sort-of, Yes, Yes, Yes, Not sure what that is, Yes, sometimes.”

 

 

Okay, thanks, Ann. Andy it’s your turn to ask our guest a question now.

 

“Do you have any idea why toilet paper is perforated? I’m almost dead and even I can tear toilet paper. Is the whole thing just to make the toilet paper look better? It’s for wiping up shit isn’t it? Is this what’s wrong with American productivity these days?”

“ Ummm…no. That might be why, I’m not sure. Yes, shit-wiping is it’s main function. Yes, that probably is the root of the productivity problem, I think we’re in agreement there.”

 

Good question, Andy! Okay, let’s hear from Canadian Journalistic Icon Rex Murphy now.

 

“It seems to me, and this could be completely out of left field, don’t hesitate to let me know, that when one appears as a mystery guest, and mind you, I could be missing the point here, one has implicitly agreed to be a complicit accomplice in the process of demystifying ones’ self in a most public fashion, and forgive me if I have misstated or understated the weighty gravitas of the issue in any way, and please don’t hesitate to weigh in on the issue as yourself or even, as oneself. Please, discuss, if you should be so inclined, and if I’ve neglected to cover off some of the more salient and pertinent points.”

“ Uhh..did that guy just ask a question? Are you Canadians fuckin’ retarded?”

 

 

Excellent question yourself, Mystery Guest! To answer I would have to say I’m not sure and  probably! Well, so far we aren’t making much headway. Maybe quasi-celebrity guest Paris Hilton will have a little better luck. Quiz away, Paris!

 

“Uh, are you, like, bigger than a breadbox?”

 

“Did you just call me fat, bitch? Watch it, you might find yourself on the internet with “slut” or “ho” written across your picture if you don’t control that mouth of yours!”

“Hey, I think I know who you are! Did you just recently get punched right in your stupid face and make everyone laugh at a club in Toronto? And did you also just recently commit career hari-kari by trying to ask a Miss USA contestant about her thoughts on gay marriage even though people could not possibly give less of a fuck what some dipshit beauty queen thinks about anything, let alone a serious issue? Do you have the same last name as me, but without the inheritance or importanance? Are you none other than loser blogger Perez Hilton?”

“Yes, it’s me, Paris. How the hell did you figure it out? I don’t know why I agreed to be on this stupid Blog Page Challenge remake crap anyway. Twenty Canadian dollars and a blowjob from Rich Little sounded good at the time, but having to talk to you dickheads just wasn’t worth it! And just to let you know, America does care what vapid, bleach-blonde beauty queens think about important stuff, why do you think anyone even talks to you?" Oh, right, the leg-spreading. Never mind. And on another note, fuck you Canada! Don’t be surprised if you see yourself featured on my blog with white stuff dribbling down your chin, and “ho” scrawled across your picture!”

Well, that went incredibly poorly! I really didn’t expect Paris to figure out our Mystery Guest’s identity. I guess it just goes to show how these bottom-feeders can sniff each other out! Hopefully our next attempt will go a little better. Maybe we can increase our budget and afford some real panelists and guests, instead of tonight’s lineup of Hitler Youth Volunteer Troop Leader Ann Coulter, Re-animated Fossil Andy Rooney, Marble-Mouthed Nonsense Spewer and Canadian Journalistic Icon Rex Murphy, and Hollywood Pin Cushion Paris Hilton.

Until next time, remember to put another log in the stove for Grandma.