David Suzuki!? Not you, too!!

In more credible times with unbelievably sweeter hair.

Earlier today while doing intense research for tomorrow’s Great Canadian 142nd Birthday Extravaganza ©, I happened to stumble upon the disturbing image below. I know. I was as devastated as you are now. Of all the people in the world that could be caught in such a compromising position, who would have expected it to be Dr. David Suzuki himself? With his long standing commitment to the environment and distinguished career as one of Canada’s preeminent scientists and teachers, we, as you had I am sure, believed he was beyond the reach of greedy multinational corporations and their suave, charismatic pitchmen. As host of the science-focused television program “The Nature of Things,” Mr. Suzuki has guided our generation to a love and respect for the wondrous natural world around us. He also taught us that things with “Big” in front of them were bad. Big Oil, Big Timber, and Big Chicken were but a few of the examples of these enemies in our midst.

In recent years Mr. Suzuki has concentrated his efforts and those of his foundation, the (in our humble opinion) oddly named David Suzuki Foundation, toward helping the public to understand their role in the emerging and scary environmental problem of Global Warming (tm). Time and again, Mr. Suzuki has spoken out about the planet-wide crisis that is possibly Global Warming (tm). He has cited examples of extreme weather events and ever-increasing planetary temperature averages as evidence of the existence of and hell-bent-for-leather path of Global Warming (tm). I don’t think I would be mistaken if I said most of us believed the words of this great man.

Until now. If a picture could say a thousand words this picture says about seventeen thousand three hundred and sixty-one, not including footnotes and photo credits. There is no mistaking what is going on here. David Suzuki has sold out to Big Cold. There could be no more damning evidence than to be caught in a public embrace with Big Cold’s nefarious pitchman, Frosty the Ridiculous and Sexually Ambiguous Quebecois Snowperson. Frosty’s ‘Joe the Camel’ like kid-friendly persona has convinced countless children that the cold is their friend. We can now see that Mr. Suzuki is none other than Frosty’s henchman-in-arms, charged with the responsibility of luring adults to the seductive power of Big Cold’s Hidden Agenda, using the ominous and vaguely defined threat of Global Warming (tm).

We believed in you Mr. Suzuki. This is truly a sad day:

“Just look straight in zee camera and smile, Suzuki. Remember, you could zell ice to an Inuit Person! Ha Ha! I make zee, how you say, in-the-side joke! I swear, I slay myself sometimes! Now, let’s get out of here and chain-smoke our way through a croissant or two.”