2009, The Year in Rear-View

Finally, the holiday season is over. I think. I’ve been a little out of the loop for awhile, what with the Shitmas insanity, skull-crushing stress inducing work situation, and general festive season malaise (I think malaise is French for “Fuck, enough of this shit for one year, already!). I also made the mistake of going to watch Avatar, which took up the better part of the last two weeks. Jesus, that was one long movie, thank goodness the message was so uplifting and deep and inspiring and moving and heavy-handed and browbeating and super-awesome….aw, Christ, I just threw up on myself. I’ll be back in a minute.

There! Fresh as a daisy. Nothing a quick wipe with an antibacterial Lysol wipe, a snazzy new pair of Underoos and a freshly mixed Tom Collins can’t fix! Now where was I? Oh yeah, I was celebrating the end of the festive season and dreading the countdown to the beginning of the next Shitmas shopping season which begins on July 31st for 2010, I think. Another thing about Avatar? What do you think will come out on top, Avatar’s worldwide box office gross or charitable donations to the Haitian relief effort? I think I know, but I sure hope I’m wrong. And on a related note: Pat Robertson, you are truly a godless douchebag. Seriously, you have taken douchenificence to a whole new level with that “pact with the Devil” thing. Oh, well, I can take some comfort in the fact that you will get a chance soon to ask him yourself, you ain’t exactly a Spring Chicken anymore Patty-boy.

Now that we are a couple of weeks into the new year, I thought I would take a little time to reflect on some of the events of 2009 that I found interesting, presented here in no particular order:

Health Care Reform in The Good Ol’ U.S. of A – holes

Ha Ha! That idiot spelled “Honkies” wrong, and that woman cut the “Barely” off the top of her sign!

Now this was some good stuff. I never got tired of watching blood-pressure controlled, Type II diabetic oldsters shrieking and shouting and sign-waving, spittle and dentures inadvertently flying from their mouths in Town Hall meetings all across America. C’mon, you have to admit that took some serious sack for those poor politicians to face those insane mobs. Wouldn’t the people in the photo above be happy to know that when their morbid obesity finally claims their ability to work and pay for health insurance, the government will provide a feeding tube for them to mainline pureed Big Macs free of charge? Just what have the angry mobs heard anyway? I hope no one told them what we do here in Canada. It’s not so much of a Logan’s Run type of thing, it’s more of a put-the-old-folks- and-sickies-on-an-ice-floe-for-cheap-cooling in preparation for a Soylent Green type of thing.

Celebrities Behaving Awesomely, Awesomelessly, and Deatheningly

In retrospect, Taylor Swift should be happy it was this guy coming at her and not Tiger Woods.

As usual celebrities kept us entertained with all of their wacky hijinks. Good ol’ Kanye descended further into madness and scared the living shit out of Taylor Swift, much to our collective amusement. A note of advice to Taylor: If you are ever about to be interrupted on stage mid-speech again, just quickly turn sideways as the perp is approaching, and they won’t be able to see you. Could someone from the “Health Care Reform” picture above lend her a piece of pizza? Susan Boyle became an instant celebrity and overnight YouTube sensation, plucking the heartstrings of millions with her surprising singing talent. Surprising on account of you know, because she didn’t look like Britney Spears (if Britney had talent). It’s amazing. Who knew normal-looking people could sing? Except maybe the reality-bending producers of Britain’s Got Talent. You have heard of preliminary auditions, haven’t you people? Finally, the music world and the world of loser fans with nothing better to do than worship creepy transparent kiddie touchers lost an icon this year, when Wacko Jacko died from an overdose of….some sort of intravenous sedative that he used to help him sleep? What the Hell? Celebrities lives are even more amazing than I thought, and so are their deaths! “I’m gonna let y’all finish in a minute, I just wanna say that Elvis had one of the best celebrity deaths of all time!” Yeah, yeah. Fuck off, Kanye.

Not to be outdone by Michael Jackson, the world economy continued it’s own downward death spiral, taking yours, mine, and the guy next door’s job with it. Charmingly, it was nice enough leave CEOs relatively unscathed, as Canadian reports of average CEO earnings being 174 times the average worker’s salary emerged. Can you imagine the talk in the C-Suites after that little shit-nugget of news popped out? I can imagine it went something like this: “174 times?! 174!? Are you serious? Nobody orders 174 Mercedes! I mean a number like 175 or 200, I can understand, but 174? What kind of a stupid number is that? Let’s pull our fucking socks up and try harder next year people!”

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge Tiger’s contributions to the world that was 2009. Undercover Brother was right, the skinny blonde white woman truly is “Black Man’s Kryptonite.” Hey Tiger, I hear Kate Gosselin is on the market. She’s got a wee bit of baggage, but she doesn’t golf so you shouldn’t have to spend as much time ducking nine irons.

Emerging Disease Trend Heads-Up Update Journal Review Flyer, May 2009

With the current worldwide panic surrounding the recent outbreak of Swine Flu (Lickapigellosis), and in recent years, the similar outbreak of Bird Flu (Chickenfuckanasia), it is now more important than ever that information about new and emerging illnesses be delivered in a timely fashion to the general public.

We here at the Centers for Disease Identification, Control, and Killing (C.-D.I.C.K.) have recently identified three other animal- related illnesses that also pose a very real threat to public health and safety. These emerging diseases and a brief outline of their pertinent facts are outlined below:

COYOTE FLU

“A two at ten…”

Proper Medical Name: Ithinkididadudeohshititis

Type of Disorder: Panic Disorder

Method of Transmission: Surprise discovery of salami under carrier’s skirt.

Signs/Symptoms: Sudden uncontrollable urges to lie to friends and coworkers about your whereabouts after the bar closed on Friday; chewed off arm stumps; obsessive-compulsive searching of bedroom to find and destroy evidence of an apparent transgender tryst; urges to clean tongue with steel wool and Drano; a new appreciation for the movie Hairspray.

How to Avoid Exposure: Never, ever, ever, drink that much fucking Tequila again. I mean it. Never.

SEAL CUB FLU

“Hey guys, you missed me! Unless I’m already in Heaven and this is just a dream. Oh, well, either way, thanks!”

Proper Medical Name: Whatthefuckhaveidoneosis

Type of Disorder: Psychiatric bitterness and shame related condition.

Method of Transmission: Vibrations travel up the club from the seal cub’s head and into the emotional reasoning center of the clubber’s brain, the amygdala, causing permanent emotional scarring.

Signs/Symptoms: Difficult time finishing a celebratory on-floe Moosehead beer without weeping; recurrent nightmares involving a larger being repeatedly smashing you in the head with a billy club; hallucinations which make it impossible to remove “blood” from your hands; difficulty rationalizing a measly paycheque from slaughter as being worth it to make pot holders and tea cozies for rich European pricks.

How to Avoid Exposure: Listen to conscience; stay on unemployment insurance; go to school and get trained for non wanton-violence related job.

REALLY GODDAMN MAD COW DISEASE

“You want a piece of me? YOU want a piece of ME? Fine. Is sirloin tip alright?”

Proper Medical Name: Bovine Ensnuffaluffagus

Type of Disorder: Tourette’s-like language restraint disorder.

Pathogenesis: The consumption of an inordinate amount of McDonald’s cheeseburgers while surfing the net leads to an atrophy of the brain’s “How important am I?” reasoning center, causing delusions of grandeur.

Signs/Symptoms: May start a blog dedicated to ranting and raving about sweet piss all; sufferers prone to using internet as podium to complain and moan about things nobody cares about; unable to avoid condescending social commentary and/or lame attempts at humor; may start to masturbate to old Clara Peller “Where’s the Beef?” ads on YouTube when nothing else will work.

How to Avoid Exposure: Stay away from internet blogging; eat a balanced diet; get outside for exercise; stay away from the McDonald’s drive-thru.*

*It should be noted that to date, no sufferer of this disorder has been able to comply with reduced-exposure guidelines. After some mildly scary lobbying efforts on the part of Big Beef, C.-D.I.C.K. hereby rescinds the above guidelines, and suggests they be replaced with “Tell them to eat a shitload of McDonald’s cheeseburgers or we’ll kill you and your family.”

It is hoped that through these early warning updates, the public will be able to take the steps necessary to protect themselves against contracting these new illnesses. It should also be noted that the usual steps to avoid the contracting of Swine and Bird Flu still apply. Wherever reasonably possible try to avoid, or at least reduce, the amount of pig-humping and chicken jerking-off you would normally participate in and you should be safe.

And remember: If you are sick and need help, C.-D.I.C.K.

“Hey Pig, what kind of Armageddon-quality Flu do you think we could unleash on the world if we were to lie down Biblically with each other?” “I don’t know Bird, but I’m down with a little poontanglia right about now, nomasayin?”