Thanksgiving? Oh, That Reminds Me, Time to Start Thinking About Christmas!

So today was Black Friday in the good ‘ol US of A. Black Friday? What kind of a name is that for the day after Thanksgiving? Or for that matter, for the traditional first day of the Christmas shopping season? After a great deal of searching through the Encyclopedia Britannica (you might be more familiar with it as “Wikipedia”), I discovered that the term Black Friday originated as term of disdain leveled at the day by Philadelphia city police officers that had to deal with the traffic jams full of morons swarming downtown in search of discounted white patent leather platform boots and pinstripe bell bottom pants among other must-have Christmas gift items. What? No, I’m not talking about the ‘70s, it’s Philadelphia for Christ’s sake! Come to think of it, why the hell is Thanksgiving so bloody late down there anyway? We have ours here in Canada in October, which is the time of year that Canadian statisticians roughly estimate the season of Fall to occur. It’s a little tough to tell what with Spring being from about March 1st to 15th, and Summer being from approximately March 16th to April 1st or so. Basically the leaves start to turn any time after that. If they’ve been able to burst forth through the permafrost, that is. Depends on the year. Hopefully this year the Slack-Jawed Friday shoppers left most of their guns at home so you didn’t have too many more incidents like last year when two men in Palm Desert, California shot each other to death after arguing over a toy in a local Toys “R” Us store. That reminds me of a funny Weird Al Yankovic song parody of Green Day’s “American Idiot” called “Canadian Idiot” in which Weird Al sneers that Canadians go to the mall and don’t even pack heat. It’s not quite as funny in real life for the traumatized tots and pants-pissing parents that had to witness that psychotic bullshit go down in Palm Desert, I would imagine. What a fucking nuthouse. Well, all that being said, there is definitely a chill in the air, and I don’t think it’s only from the amassed glacial intellects lined up all over the US for Sarah Palin book signings (Make your X, Sarah!).

I guess it is time to start thinking about Shitmas Christmas, as much as we don’t want to. It’s not like it’s been a great year for everyone, and times are tough all over, with the possible exception of the C-Suite dickheads, who seem to have weathered the storm on boats constructed of wads of government stimulus cash. I guess I shouldn’t be so cynical, I mean if we didn’t have monster salaries and bonuses for shittily performing CEOs, what would the guy who cleans the toilets for minimum wage have to aspire to? I mean really, would anyone want a job in the Big Office if they had to go to work in a Cadillac instead of a Bentley? How embarrassing. That’s not the attitude our countries were built on, people! So in that spirit, I have amassed a short list of Christmas gift suggestions for the person who wants everything, from the person who has nothing:

How about a wacky European General Motors Division?

“Do you have any idea what my shirt says? Fuck no, I don’t have a goddamn clue.”

For some reason, the bright lights at General Motards decided at the last minute that it was a bad idea to sell Opel to Canadian autoparts giant Magna International. Apparently they have decided they know how to make money now (Hint: go broke through stupidity, get government bailout, start to tell everyone you know what you’re doing again). Well, Magna’s loss is your gain! Obviously GM will go tits-up again soon, probably well before Christmas so here’s your chance to give someone a very unique gift at a bargain-basement price. It’s not every day you can buy a lazy, overstuffed, heavily unionized, 35 hour per week working matchbox-car making company with the money left on your Visa’s credit limit. And just think, next year you can give everyone in your family an Opel in their stocking!

Or Maybe Dubai!

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout…”

I know what you’re thinking. How can I afford Dubai? Well, at this price, how can you afford not to buy it? I mean even for the friend who has everything, I bet they don’t own a pie-in-the-sky wannabe Arab Las Vegas (minus the tits, ass, booze, and fun). I hear it’s going up on Ebay early next week so it can sell in time for Christmas and get this: no reserve! Better get your sniping hand ready though, because rumour has it that Herbert Walker Bush himself has his sights set on it for Sonny-Boy for Christmas. It’s also rumoured he plans to change the name to Dubya, just to rub Iran and the Taliban’s face in it. Don’t waste any time, you’d better get practicing on some other in-demand Ebay items like Lindsay Lohan’s pride (why she ever sold it in the first place, we’ll never know, she badly needs it now), and that Yankee World Series home-run ball the Phillies fan threw back on the field (priceless!).

Or Even…H1N1!

Health: 1, Dignity: 0

Okay, maybe giving someone a dread set of the sniffles isn’t the nicest thing a person could do at Christmas, but let’s face it, the person who has everything is probably also insulated from all of the grubby peasants and their infections and pestilence. This could be a once-in-a-lifetime experience for them! They were probably too stupid to even go and get vaccinated, thinking that their rarified Country Club air is unlikely to carry the bugs of the unwashed masses. Some great people to think of for this heartfelt gift are say, your rich condescending neighbours, or even your boss (and his boss!). The best part is, it’s all but free! You probably haven’t been able to get a shot yet anyway due to silly obligations like working two jobs and caring for flu-ridden relatives. All you have to do is head down to your local hospital, lick a few doorknobs and elevator buttons and you should be in business. As you sit in your cubicle trying to do your work through your fevered haze, your boss will probably come around with everyone’s Christmas bonus of a month’s free parking in the company lot or a voucher for two free coffees in the break room or something. Make sure you give him a big hug to thank him, and Oops! cough right in his stupid face! Oh, and those neighbours? Make sure the next time you take their mail to them from the mailbox at the end of their driveway that you slobber all over it, real thorough-like.

Hopefully some of these thrifty, yet unique gift ideas help you with the difficult task of Christmas shopping this year! What’s that? Christ no, I do not want a hug you goddamned Typhoid Mary wannabe! Sorry Mom, I guess that was a little harsh. Maybe we could hug next year?

Emerging Disease Trend Heads-Up Update Journal Review Flyer, May 2009

With the current worldwide panic surrounding the recent outbreak of Swine Flu (Lickapigellosis), and in recent years, the similar outbreak of Bird Flu (Chickenfuckanasia), it is now more important than ever that information about new and emerging illnesses be delivered in a timely fashion to the general public.

We here at the Centers for Disease Identification, Control, and Killing (C.-D.I.C.K.) have recently identified three other animal- related illnesses that also pose a very real threat to public health and safety. These emerging diseases and a brief outline of their pertinent facts are outlined below:

COYOTE FLU

“A two at ten…”

Proper Medical Name: Ithinkididadudeohshititis

Type of Disorder: Panic Disorder

Method of Transmission: Surprise discovery of salami under carrier’s skirt.

Signs/Symptoms: Sudden uncontrollable urges to lie to friends and coworkers about your whereabouts after the bar closed on Friday; chewed off arm stumps; obsessive-compulsive searching of bedroom to find and destroy evidence of an apparent transgender tryst; urges to clean tongue with steel wool and Drano; a new appreciation for the movie Hairspray.

How to Avoid Exposure: Never, ever, ever, drink that much fucking Tequila again. I mean it. Never.

SEAL CUB FLU

“Hey guys, you missed me! Unless I’m already in Heaven and this is just a dream. Oh, well, either way, thanks!”

Proper Medical Name: Whatthefuckhaveidoneosis

Type of Disorder: Psychiatric bitterness and shame related condition.

Method of Transmission: Vibrations travel up the club from the seal cub’s head and into the emotional reasoning center of the clubber’s brain, the amygdala, causing permanent emotional scarring.

Signs/Symptoms: Difficult time finishing a celebratory on-floe Moosehead beer without weeping; recurrent nightmares involving a larger being repeatedly smashing you in the head with a billy club; hallucinations which make it impossible to remove “blood” from your hands; difficulty rationalizing a measly paycheque from slaughter as being worth it to make pot holders and tea cozies for rich European pricks.

How to Avoid Exposure: Listen to conscience; stay on unemployment insurance; go to school and get trained for non wanton-violence related job.

REALLY GODDAMN MAD COW DISEASE

“You want a piece of me? YOU want a piece of ME? Fine. Is sirloin tip alright?”

Proper Medical Name: Bovine Ensnuffaluffagus

Type of Disorder: Tourette’s-like language restraint disorder.

Pathogenesis: The consumption of an inordinate amount of McDonald’s cheeseburgers while surfing the net leads to an atrophy of the brain’s “How important am I?” reasoning center, causing delusions of grandeur.

Signs/Symptoms: May start a blog dedicated to ranting and raving about sweet piss all; sufferers prone to using internet as podium to complain and moan about things nobody cares about; unable to avoid condescending social commentary and/or lame attempts at humor; may start to masturbate to old Clara Peller “Where’s the Beef?” ads on YouTube when nothing else will work.

How to Avoid Exposure: Stay away from internet blogging; eat a balanced diet; get outside for exercise; stay away from the McDonald’s drive-thru.*

*It should be noted that to date, no sufferer of this disorder has been able to comply with reduced-exposure guidelines. After some mildly scary lobbying efforts on the part of Big Beef, C.-D.I.C.K. hereby rescinds the above guidelines, and suggests they be replaced with “Tell them to eat a shitload of McDonald’s cheeseburgers or we’ll kill you and your family.”

It is hoped that through these early warning updates, the public will be able to take the steps necessary to protect themselves against contracting these new illnesses. It should also be noted that the usual steps to avoid the contracting of Swine and Bird Flu still apply. Wherever reasonably possible try to avoid, or at least reduce, the amount of pig-humping and chicken jerking-off you would normally participate in and you should be safe.

And remember: If you are sick and need help, C.-D.I.C.K.

“Hey Pig, what kind of Armageddon-quality Flu do you think we could unleash on the world if we were to lie down Biblically with each other?” “I don’t know Bird, but I’m down with a little poontanglia right about now, nomasayin?”