Great Moments in Scientific Achievement, Part Un (French for “Uhh…”)

Every once in a while scientists conduct a study that proves to be a watershed moment in the history of scientific achievement. These hard working nerd-people dig deep into the mysteries of our world in their never ending quest for knowledge. They seek to increase our collective understanding of the world through intensive and rigorous testing, study, and experimentation. These people aren’t in it for the glory, or the fame. They don’t care that nobody knows they were the Captain of their college Dungeons and Dragons team, or that they were the only one out of the sixteen people dressed as Klingons at the Science Department Halloween party that could actually speak Klingon.

Why just last night on NOVA: Science Now (yeah, yeah, I know. Paris Hilton’s New BFF wasn’t on yet), I learned from one delightful scientist fellow that Leeches have many roles to play in the medical field, some of them quite helpful. I had previously thought that Leeches’ roles in the medical field were confined to the ambulance-chasing malpractice lawyer and the health-care reform pushing politician. Turns out they have other uses, like sucking pus and blood and rotten shit out of gangrenous wounds. A less glamorous, but eerily similar role to that of the lawyers and politicians. I also learned from some other astronomer-scientist types that the people involved in the SETI search for intelligent life in the universe project are now composed of under 80% Trekkies, a startling achievement on the road to acceptance by the public at large. It was also interesting to learn that in order to set a baseline for the intelligence detecting instrument, the scientists trained it on the US Congress, and were able to calibrate the machine to absolute zero! Good thinking, geeks!

Seeing some of the great work being done out in the world of scientific investigation made it all the more worrisome when I stumbled across the following headline; not exactly one of those watershed moments in scientific history:

“Study Suggests Binge Drinking Affects Memory”

Well I guess this is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. If the nerds that conducted this particular study had spent more time at frat parties and less time signing up for Psyc Department studies as guinea pigs, they wouldn’t have needed to conduct this study at all. Those of us who have undertaken “binge drinking” (or as we used to call it “drinking”) could have told anyone that would listen that of course binge drinking affects memory. It is simple mental self preservation. If it didn’t affect memory, how the hell would we have been able to live through this:

Without binge drinking affecting our memory, imagine our embarrassment when people found out our parents had never shown us how to sit properly on a bench? Thank God our friends were nice enough to be respectful about our disability and not point out that we had shown our handicap while under the influence of binge drink.

The memory-affecting qualities of binge drinking cushioned this poor girl from having to remember her sudden bout of narcolepsy at her Grandparents’ garden party. She was probably better off not knowing that she had dozed off in the middle of Grandma’s “Tour of the Tulips.”

Luckily for this happily dozing binge drinker, his lack of memory of the evening’s events should prevent him from having to deal with the triple mental trauma of the memories of pissing himself, wearing a Hulkamania T-Shirt, and being caught on camera drinking a Miller Lite.

Now here’s a perfect example of binge drinking’s ability to take a potentially reputation-smearing, life-altering event and turn it into a hazy, imperceptible, shadowy memory that is almost impossible to recall, if it can be recalled at all. The poor fellow on the left has probably battled car sickness since he was a small child, or perhaps he had a bad prawn at dinner that night. Either way, he can’t be blamed for the action occurring in the photo above. If he had any sense at all, he would have begun binge-drinking immediately after this photo was taken, and not stopped until the incident was buried deeply in his subconscious. It would probably be recommended that his somewhat startled companions might also want to binge-drink this particular memory away as well.

Despite all of the good work being done by scientists around the world, they didn’t exactly hit one out of the park with this study. They could have saved a lot of time and money by just doing a little binge-drinking, blacking out, waking up, looking at their vomit stained shirt and piss-soaked pants, and saying to themselves “Ahhh…I see.”

From Beyond the Grave, Part 1

"Livin'..er, existin' large up here, folks!"

In today’s installment of From Beyond the Grave we are pleased to have famed defense attorney Johnnie Cochran as our guest to weigh in with his opinions on some current events. Johnnie is perhaps best known the world over for defending OJ Simpson in the “Trial of the Century.” There are some lesser known facts about Johnnie however, including that he was bustin’ courtroom rhymes MC style while ICEs Cube and T were still shitting in their bloomers. He also possessed the uncanny telekinetic power to shrink leather material, a rarely needed skill, but oh so important in the right situation. Let’s see what Johnnie thinks about some of today’s water cooler conversation topics:

Headline Says:

“Devout Catholic” and Father of Seven Children Mel Gibson Gets Divorced, Takes up With Daughter-Aged Russian Pop-Star Wannabe”

Johnnie Says:

“ While Mel and I do share some views regarding the LAPD, I disagree with his calling the female officer from his DUI arrest, “Sugar Tits.” I personally saw nothing sweet about those titties whatsoever. Although not a favourite of the Jewish community, Mel has done a good job of representing “Devout Catholics” and Drunken Mid-Life Crisis Foreign Pop-Star Bangers, so he deserves some credit for that. Had I not shuffled off of the mortal coil, so to speak, I would have been happy to represent him in both his current and all numerous future journeys through the legal system. My verdict? At the risk of sounding salacious, the man’s behaviour is disgracious, but the girlfriend is boooodacious!”

Headline Says:

“Barack Obama Elected First African-American President, America Gives Dubya the Finger on the Way Out”

Johnnie Says:

“I never thought I would live to see the day when we would finally have an African-American President, and come to think of it, I didn’t. I never had much use for that cracker fella Bush. He just seemed too into convicting murderers for my liking. If I could have still been there, I would have loved to have been a part of President Obama’s inner circle. God knows with that Bill Clinton lurking around there, they’re going to need someone like me on the payroll. My verdict? Illuminating, rejuvenating, downright Martin Luther Kinginating.”

Headline Says:

“Former Child Star and Current Hollywood Party Dishrag Lindsay Lohan Drinking Again, Tinseltown Reels in Surprise”

Johnnie Says:

“Now I wish people wouldn’t be so hard on this poor girl. She is certainly not the first Hollywood personality to fail at rehab, in fact, no one there has ever succeeded at it. Without Lindsay and all of her upper class, drunk driving, neighbourhood wannabe celebrity brethren, half the legal industry in Los Angeles might as well pack up and go home. So thank God for her and her ilk, don’t you ever change girl. My verdict? Lindsay reminds me a bit of Chicken McNuggets. The ingredients may be a little suspicious, but if you’re drunk enough, mmm…delicious.