Having a Bad Day? It Could be a Hell of a Lot Worse…

Every once in a while I start to feel a little sorry for myself. I’m sure we all do at times. Maybe you haven’t achieved the goals you set out to in life, or haven’t felt like life has been going your way recently. Hell, maybe that racketeering conviction stuck on appeal. You’re going to have to spend a little stretch in a maximum security lockdown, and you haven’t been doing nearly enough pushups to fight off your giant future cell-mate’s ass-plundering advances. You should have been in the gym, instead of listening to that two-bit shyster you hired that promised you would walk.

Obviously, we’ve all made some bad decisions that we have lived to regret in one way or another. Or are about to regret, in an excruciatingly painful, and humiliating way. Fortunately, at times like this, we can take solace in the fact that we’ve never made decisions this bad:

Marnie had always dreamed of competing in the X Games. A long time lover of extreme sports, the Nearly Nude Wooden Nipple Clamp Downhill Thong Luge had been her obsession for years. She wasn’t prepared for the size of the big blue-tipped nipple clamps used in professional competition however, and she was distracted by the how the bright red helmet she was forced to wear clashed with her pink ass cheeks and pendulous rosy boobs.

Sadly, throughout years of dedicated practice, she had also not taught herself how to stop. Shortly after this picture was taken, she speared through a portable hot dog cart at roughly sixty miles per hour. Unfortunately, the impact did not immediately take her life, and she suffered the horror of a slow death by scalding sauerkraut water. In a final indignity, she was awarded last place in the competition. As per official X Games policy, anyone dying in an event receives a last place standing, and multiple deaths result in a tie for last place. Godspeed, Marnie.

This sad fellow above, is former Klingon Army Master Corporal Robert Sliizaaqquia. He is pictured here in a polaroid shot by a New York City SWAT Team member shortly before his death in a hail of beanbags, rubber bullets, flash-bang grenades, and repeated tazer shockings. It turns out that if you use enough different non-lethal methods of force at once, they can actually be lethal in combination. It’s interesting what you find out in the field.

Anyway, back to Robert. After being dishonorably discharged from the Klingon Military for failing to maintain acceptable fitness standards, Robert had fallen into a deep depression and had become prone to spending long hours in his favourite comfortable folding chair in front of his computer, watching carp porn (it’s a Klingon thing). A friend that had left his apartment shortly before the incident above stated that Robert had been attempting to be more positive of late and had been preparing to take a picture of himself for his just-opened Lavalife profile. Robert felt that the Klingon Military Formal Dress would be most appropriate for the picture, explaining his state of attire shown above. The friend stated that Robert had expressed a desire to “Get himself back out there, and mix it up a bit.”

When the police knocked on Robert’s door (by mistake actually, they had intended to do a kick-in at the drug dealer’s apartment next door), he answered and followed the accepted Klingon practice of offering his guests a gun. A very polite, but very bad decision, indeed. His death was not in vain, however, as SWAT teams have now adopted the practice of writing down the address of a planned assault instead of someone saying “I’ll remember it.” It is truly interesting what you can learn in the field. Thank you, Robert.