B’s Almost True Hollywood Stories, Part 2

Episode 2: The Day the Music, and Everyone Who Made It, Died.

There have been many feuds in Hollywood over the years. Some of those feuds are well known, such as Brangelina vs. JenJohnandVaughn, and Mel Gibson vs. The Jews Who Run Everything And Are Out To Get Him. It was always thought that the world of children’s television, while a consistent cash cow, was immune to the problems plaguing the mainstream entertainment industry. Through in depth research, guesstimation, and a not-too-unliberal amount of fabrication, we here at B’s Almost True Hollywood Stories have uncovered a chilling tale of the behind-the-scenes gang wars that plagued “Toddlerwood” in the 1990’s heyday of tot TV.

The year is 1998. Bill Clinton is President, and he is busy redefining the meaning of the word “blowjob” to the American public. Before the year is out, he will face impeachment, and friends and neighbours around the country will embrace the new “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’” zeitgeist gripping the nation. In this tumultuous climate of consequence-free handjobs and muff-diving between coworkers and random aquaintances, a war is silently raging in the background, all but unnoticed: the gang-war to end all gang-wars.

After taking to the nation’s television screens in 1992, Barney and his Gang had become an almost overnight sensation, delighting scores of children around the nation with their goofy voices, baby talk, and heartwarming songs about love, family, and getting along. It didn’t take long until the pleasantly pudgy purple dinosaur became the go-to-guy for moms all across America that needed a spare moment or two to pay the plumber with a blowjob (Hooray Clinton Economy!) for fixing a leaky sink or snaking a turd-plugged toilet. Children would sit transfixed for hours, watching Barney and his friends do their thing, and singing along with the gang’s inane, yet values-filled simple songs. Everything was coming up roses for Barney and Friends, but a dark cloud loomed on the horizon.

Across the pond in Merry Olde Englishville, competition was brewing. The Teletubbies had been formed from a talent search that had exhaustively combed through thousands of contestants in order to put together a so-called Supergroup of toddler-pleasing talent, led by a tough-talking former East End Enforcer, T(inky) Winky. Boy-band impresario and future convict Lou Perlman was even rumoured to have been retained as a consultant in the selection process. The Teletubbies mission was clear: total and utter domination of the the toddler television market and its lucrative merchandise market. When the Teletubbies first appeared on American television screens, they were an instant success, and immediately grabbed a large audience away from the purpler, more coherent, and almost understandable Barney.

As Barney’s ratings began to drop, his behaviour, always a concern for the show’s producers, began to become more erratic and violent. He is shown here in a police mugshot taken after a routine traffic stop for a broken taillight led to a drunken melee with police officers. Barney was left bloody and bruised after a serious night-sticking and his fellow cast member Riff (known as “Spliff” to show insiders) was shot seventeen times in the incident. It is assumed the duo’s fame was responsible for the LAPD showing such restraint in the situation. It was around this period that Barney began uttering threats in the Teletubbies’ direction, both publicly and privately. In one recently released email, he is quoted as telling Teletubby leader Tinky Winky that if the Tubbies didn’t leave town, Winky would find himself “packing your own head around in that fucking man-purse you flounce around with.”

Never one to back down from a fight, hard luck London East Ender and former Yardie Tinky Winky fanned the flames of war with his own proclamation, on his best-selling rap album, “T Winky Gettin’ Kinky.” In the song “Die, You Purple Dinosaur Fuck,” Winky raps of his disdain for an unknown “Purple Dinosaur Fuck” (assumed now to be Barney) and threatens to “disembowel you with my razor sharp vowel use” before “popping a cap in yo big fuckin’ yap.” In the picture at left, taken by an unknown crew member, the Tubbies are shown in an argument with the producer of the show over demands in their contract rider. This conflict was said to have arisen over the fact that the bitches supplied to wash the Tubbies’ Hummer with their titties were “Crackers,” instead of the rider-specified “Latina Hos” and “Nubian Princesses.” This photo was the last anyone saw of the producer, however T Winky later rapped that the unfortunate fellow could be “found by the pound, all around town, nomasayin?”

In Spring of 2000, things came to a grisly head. After months of private and public mudslinging, the stage had been set for a final confrontation. Barney, always susceptible to the siren call of hard drugs, had reportedly been on a crystal meth binge for over a week, when he and his posse entered the studio where the Teletubbies filmed their show. In what was described later by the sole surviving crewman as being “like that elevator scene from The Shining,” Barney and his dinosaur friends embarked on a blood soaked killing spree that would leave everyone involved with the show in pieces of gore-soaked foam. The surviving crew member, speaking of the incident (on the condition of anonymity) told us: “What the fuck did the Tubbies expect? Did they honestly think a bunch of fat little mental patients with TV screens in their stomachs were any match for a fuckin’ T-Rex?!” The only picture from the day’s events, recovered from a screenshot of Winky’s tummy television, shows a small snapshot of the day’s carnage:

Somehow, an eye patch makes decapitation even scarier, if that’s possible.

Although the truth is now known about the fateful events of that day, an adequate explanation of the Teletubbies’ disappearance was never offered at the time. The studio head of the day, Michael Eisner, flanked by Barney at a press conference, merely announced that the Teletubbies “had probably gone home, stupid limeys.” He refused to offer further explanation at the time, but upon review of the tape of the press conference, Barney’s clap on Eisner’s shoulder and knowing nod as they leave together speaks volumes about the conspiracy of silence around the issue.

Join us next time when B’s Almost True Hollywood Stories examines the rumours surrounding Gilligan’s Island. With two hot chicks on the island, why was Gilligan always sucking up to the Captain? Perhaps he had found a taste for seamen?