From Beyond the Grave, Part 2

Today’s edition of From Beyond the Grave finds us blessed with the presence of much-loved late night talk show host Johnny Carson. In case you are wondering, yes, all dead people are named Johnny (see "From Beyond the Grave, Part 1"). During his 2000 year run on NBC as host of “The Tonight Show,” Johnny created many memorable characters, including Carnac the Magnificent, pictured above.

What the average fan is unaware of however, is that far from being a character created by a team of amphetamine addicted staff writers, Carnac was in fact created by Johnny himself. Johnny had always yearned to make his psychic powers public, but feared the backlash of his audience, composed mainly of people who were old, white, and stupid. Carnac gave Johnny a safe outlet to display his psychic prowess, and in fact the entire skit was unscripted and the envelopes contained blank pages. Johnny actually knew the answers!

Today, Johnny has graciously agreed to take a break from lounging around poolside in Heaven with former Playboy playmates who committed suicide after sleeping with Hugh Hefner in order to answer a question or two for us. We tried to pay Ed McMahon five dollars to appear as Johnny’s sidekick for old time’s sake, but he snatched it out of our hand and scootered off before we could catch him. He was last spotted scooting away from a corner store doubling a transvestite hooker and toting a large magnum of screw top wine. We certainly won't offer to pay him up front next time.

Johnny was even kind enough to appear dressed as Carnac for this interview. In fact he told us that believe it or not, even dressed like that, you can still get strange tail in Heaven. What an awesome place that must be!

RBG: Johnny, thanks for appearing here today, this is truly an honour!

Johnny: Really, RBG, it’s the least I could do. Your blog has about as many readers as my show had viewers that mattered to advertisers near the end, so glad I could help out.

RBG: Okay, Johnny, I am going to think of a question about a topic or person, and I would like you to think of an answer to that topic or question. Don’t worry about the envelopes.

Johnny: Shit, I had Jesus stop by Kinko’s to stock me up just in case, but that’s alright, he can probably use them to solicit donations or something. Well, go ahead RBG, think away!

RBG: Here goes. I am thinking of my first question. Okay. Got it.

Johnny: “Terd nuggets, best reasons to consider retroactive abortion, lowering the collective IQ of the world.”

RBG: Johnny, that’s amazing! The question I had in mind was “What do people think about the contestants on the execrable TV show ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!’?”

Johnny: Glad to see I’ve still got it. Fire away, son. Mentally, that is.

RBG: Alright, question number two. Okay, I think I’ve got it.

Johnny: “Social Services SWAT team, burning compound, hail of gunfire.”

RBG: Wow Johnny! That’s incredible! The question I had thought of was “How in the hell are Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise ever going to escape from Scientology nut and couch-jumper extraordinaire Tom Cruise?”

Johnny: Well, lad, I’ve got time for one more. I’ve got a massage booked with Dorothy Stratten at ten.

RBG: I’m thinking…okay, there it is.

Johnny: “Get married to each other in Vermont, adopt seventeen Zimbabwean children, catastrophic tabloid-fodder breakup.”

RBG: Well, that was certainly an interesting answer! Not what I expected. The question I was thinking of was “What does the future hold for the careers of Hottest Bachelor listers Chace Crawford and Zac Effron?”

Johnny: Glad I was able to clear up some of these issues for you, RBG. Well, I’d better get going, if I’m late with Dorothy, she makes me pay extra for the “happy ending.”

RBG: Thanks for stopping by, Johnny, that was certainly illuminating.

Johnny: Anytime son, the pleasure was all mine. Pizzeace out.