Dear Diary,
I’m sorry it has been so long since we talked, but a lot has been happening! I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m the President of the United States of America now! For real!
“Gosh, look at all the nice people, Golly, this is fun!”
I’ve really met a lot of nice and interesting people along the way, and I think I’ve made a new friend or two as well!
“Could you please step back? You smell like Metamucil and Absorbine Jr. I just really need you to step back right now.”
Since Washington is such a big ol’ scary place, I’m gonna need some help to get everything figured out around there. So I decided to bring along a couple of old, rich, non-threatening white people with me to show me the ropes. They’ve only been there, like, forever!
“This one’s for you racist dicks down there in Dixie…
….and this one’s for you uptight Real Housewives of New York City douchebags.”
Swearing in was way easier than I thought it would be!
“Repeat after me: ‘High Five!’” “No! Like Borat! ‘Hiiggh Fiiive’!'”
Then I got some bad news. My other good non-threatening rich white BFF Ben Bernanke came and told me that these two fellas had been cornholing each other for years! Everybody knew about it and no one did anything to stop it, he said! They were all too busy packing their golden parachutes, he said!
“You are lookin’ good! " “No. You. YOU are lookin’ good”
"Those suspenders…my stars!”
Then my good non-threatening BFF Ben told me the worst news of all! These two had an illegitimate bastard lovechild! And I have to raise it! And it’s not even cute! What kind of a name is “Recession” anyway?!!
“Can anyone ever truly love me for who I am, not who they want me to be?”
I’m beginning to get a little scared. I mean, OMG, I’ve never raised an economy-sucking black hole of a bastard lovechild before! I don’t even know if I’ll be any good at it! I’m a little worried, that’s for sure. Oh, well, talk to you soon.
Love, Barack
“What in the fuck have I gotten myself into?”
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