From Beyond the Grave, Part 1

"Livin'..er, existin' large up here, folks!"

In today’s installment of From Beyond the Grave we are pleased to have famed defense attorney Johnnie Cochran as our guest to weigh in with his opinions on some current events. Johnnie is perhaps best known the world over for defending OJ Simpson in the “Trial of the Century.” There are some lesser known facts about Johnnie however, including that he was bustin’ courtroom rhymes MC style while ICEs Cube and T were still shitting in their bloomers. He also possessed the uncanny telekinetic power to shrink leather material, a rarely needed skill, but oh so important in the right situation. Let’s see what Johnnie thinks about some of today’s water cooler conversation topics:

Headline Says:

“Devout Catholic” and Father of Seven Children Mel Gibson Gets Divorced, Takes up With Daughter-Aged Russian Pop-Star Wannabe”

Johnnie Says:

“ While Mel and I do share some views regarding the LAPD, I disagree with his calling the female officer from his DUI arrest, “Sugar Tits.” I personally saw nothing sweet about those titties whatsoever. Although not a favourite of the Jewish community, Mel has done a good job of representing “Devout Catholics” and Drunken Mid-Life Crisis Foreign Pop-Star Bangers, so he deserves some credit for that. Had I not shuffled off of the mortal coil, so to speak, I would have been happy to represent him in both his current and all numerous future journeys through the legal system. My verdict? At the risk of sounding salacious, the man’s behaviour is disgracious, but the girlfriend is boooodacious!”

Headline Says:

“Barack Obama Elected First African-American President, America Gives Dubya the Finger on the Way Out”

Johnnie Says:

“I never thought I would live to see the day when we would finally have an African-American President, and come to think of it, I didn’t. I never had much use for that cracker fella Bush. He just seemed too into convicting murderers for my liking. If I could have still been there, I would have loved to have been a part of President Obama’s inner circle. God knows with that Bill Clinton lurking around there, they’re going to need someone like me on the payroll. My verdict? Illuminating, rejuvenating, downright Martin Luther Kinginating.”

Headline Says:

“Former Child Star and Current Hollywood Party Dishrag Lindsay Lohan Drinking Again, Tinseltown Reels in Surprise”

Johnnie Says:

“Now I wish people wouldn’t be so hard on this poor girl. She is certainly not the first Hollywood personality to fail at rehab, in fact, no one there has ever succeeded at it. Without Lindsay and all of her upper class, drunk driving, neighbourhood wannabe celebrity brethren, half the legal industry in Los Angeles might as well pack up and go home. So thank God for her and her ilk, don’t you ever change girl. My verdict? Lindsay reminds me a bit of Chicken McNuggets. The ingredients may be a little suspicious, but if you’re drunk enough, mmm…delicious.