Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A Short Guide to Politics, North American Style

Wow, it’s hard to believe it has been three whole weeks since I last posted! Time flies when you are confined to a mental institution against your will busy! It’s so nice to finally sit down after escaping zipped into a body bag with your suicidal roommate’s corpse a long day’s work and jot down whatever flight of fancy is on my mind these days. Lately, during my long days of confinement work, I have found myself thinking a lot about politics, and North American style politics in particular. It saddens me that our children don’t seem to much care for the exciting world of politics anymore, in fact they hardly know anything about our political system at all! When I start talking politics, the kid’s eyes glaze over like a Wannabe Rastafarian Hophead at a Snoop Dogg concert. With another national election possibly looming here in CanadIsrael (only the third in five years! Cool!), it seems like the perfect time to put a nice, easy to understand guide to the world of politics out there for my three.5 readers to show to any young people who might be interested in this exciting, dynamic world of corruption, scandal, and greed dedicated and tireless civil service.

Let’s say a young person has decided to vote. Let’s also say that same young person might one day be sitting around playing XBox and puffing on the sticky-icky waiting for their welfare cheque to arrive in the mail, when a (rare to be sure) thought strikes them: “Like, yeah, dude, I would like to vote, but who would I vote for? What do I believe in, totally?” Well, I’m glad you asked, stoner. In a nutshell, the political system in North America is divided along differing ideologies and belief systems, but there are two main ideologies that capture the hearts and minds of the majority of North American voters. The two main ideologies are the conservative ideology and the liberal ideology (no more ideologies, I swear). In Canada, they are called the Conservatives and the Liberals (smart!), while in the United States, the conservative politicians call themselves the Repukelicans or something, and the liberal gang is known as the Dumb-ocrats. Just gotta be different eh Americans? There are also occasional third-party anomalies in each system which we will discuss later. For the purposes of this commentary, we will briefly acknowledge the one-party political system of Mexico, that is to say the party of death, corruption, and roadside hits performed by a Colombian kid being doubled on a moped.

Okay, kids! Here’s a brief outline of the main political parties in North America (excluding Mexico for obvious reasons: we’re scared shitless of their political system):

The Conservatives (US: Repulsicans):

Ann and Dad

Here we see two typical Conservative commentators, Bill O’Reilly and his son, Andrew Coulter (post-op).

Believe In: The death penalty for shoplifting; guns; ammo; knives; shooting first and asking questions later; invading (countries); evading (taxes); berating (anyone with the temerity to question their point of view); big business is the kind, caring, older brother that will always be there for you (and your wallet)

Predominant Ethnic Makeup: White; Vanilla; cream-coloured; taupe; beige; cracker; honky; Soccer Moms (homely); greedy capitalists; half-retarded rednecks; Colin Powell

Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Conservative Types: They like sweater vests (I could not make this shit up); they did it with the lights on once after having two MaiTais with dinner on a Carnival GunShip cruise (like a FunShip cruise, but for conservative gun-nuts).

The Liberals (US: Dimbulb-crats):

All aboard the love bus!

Just think, long before alternate-fuel hybrid vehicles, this bus was powered by peace, love, and bullshit.

Believe In: A fetus’s right to run a marathon if it darn well wants to; that Patchouli should be exempt from workplace anti-fragrance regulations; acting like they aren’t just frustrated conservatives that didn’t get into Yale and missed out on all that great networking; getting bombed first and asking “What the hell happened?” later; spending like drunken sailors with a terminal case of the clap and only six hours to live; raising taxes to pay for high priced hookers and dry cleaning bills

Predominant Ethnic Makeup: Hippies; Soccer Moms (hot); Actors, Actresses, Musicians, and other stoner types; Stoners; people who like people who are of the same gender as that people; people of colour who have actually experienced discrimination and understand the need to get along; white people from Beverly Hills who think they know what it is like to be a person of colour that has experienced discrimination and understands the need to get along

Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Liberal Types: They don’t inhale when they smoke their pot (?!); they believe in equality, social justice for the oppressed, and Birkenstocks made in Chinese factories populated by tween workers

And Last but not Least (Well actually yes, the least), The Third-Party Anomalies (Also known as vote-splitters/wasters and novelty tickets):

Here in Canada, we have third-party options like the New Democrat Party (the self-proclaimed conscience of the nation), and the Green Party (the self-proclaimed conscience of the little animals and trees of the forest who can’t speak for themselves and also the voice of crustaceans and mollusks). In the US, the third-party option usually consists of a wacky also-ran independent candidate like Ross Perot or Ralph Nader. The independent candidate in the US is generally someone who is so rich that hunting humans on the weekend has lost all appeal and there is nothing left to do but run for President. In Nader’s case, the never-ending run for President has actually been used to make him rich enough to hunt humans on the weekend.

So there you have it kids! Where do you fit in the spectrum of political viewpoints? Are you a flag-waving conservative, a flag-burning liberal, or a making-a-sham-of-everything-the-flag-stands-for campaign money-wasting also-ran? I should point out that laying there smoking pot and playing the XBox is not an option, so get the hell off my couch and get out there and vote, dammit! Oops! I better get going, I think I hear sirens my wife calling me to bed!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Exclusive: Dear Leader to Model Jacket in Fall L.L. Bean Catalog!

We’ve just received some exciting news from across the pond, over a couple of islands, past a demilitarized zone, under some razor wire and on the other side of a Bouncing Betty filled mine field! Our North Korean correspondent Dim Sum-Cok has filed a report from the country’s capital of Poontang that none other than Despot Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il himself is going to be appearing in the Fall L.L. Bean catalog. As a model! In an apparent effort to reach out to the underserviced market for drab yuppie clothing in brutal communist dictator-run countries, L.L. Bean managed to retain the modeling services of perhaps the best loved, best respected, and most desired man in North Korea, if not the whole New Millenium Axis of Evil ©. *Did I say that last part right? I did? Good. Do you think maybe you could put the gun down now? Oh, you can’t? Alrighty, let’s just go with that then.*

Despite a rumoured battle with cancer and an impromptu visit from globetrotting horndog and admitted aficionado of the Asian Persuasion Bill Clinton, Dear Leader still found the time to work it for the camera. In this exclusive first peek, we are treated to a glimpse of the charisma that until now only members of his inner circle and Facebook friends had ever seen. Soon after the shoot, K-Jill (his username on Facebook) posted on his wall: “Quite a day! I make the money poraroids, bitches! Horraback! ROR!” I think that little wall post tells the whole story folks, the man is such a praya.

The product that was chosen specifically for Dear Leader to model was the Virgin Duck Down Hooded Early Fall Chilly Morning Parkette. The colour of the jacket as modeled by the chosen saviour of the North Korean people was Chernobyl Myst Grey with Purple Asphyxia accents on the pockets:

Kimbo 2There is no way the guy in the second row was allowed to have bullets in that gun. The guy with the binoculars? Probably soft foam rubber just in case there was an impromptu bludgeoning attempt.

Ever want to feel like you stand out from the crowd? Ever feel like everyone around you is wearing the same old thing? With the Virgin Duck Down Hooded Early Fall Chilly Morning Parkette from L.L. Bean, you can let your individuality shine through. Here we see Dear Leader setting the tone for cool in his Chernobyl Myst Parkette. You can clearly see the envy on the faces of the fashion slaves surrounding him. As if they needed another reason to look up to Dear Leader. Aren’t his looks and easygoing charm enough?

Kimbo 10

What are we waiting for? Everyone in North Korea is 189 years old. Steamrolling in should consist of a $1.99 Denny’s Blue Plate Special diversion and cutting off the Metamucil train supply routes and we’ll be running the place by Tuesday.

Here we see Dear Leader making what is obviously a very important point! The point is, when you and your posse roll up in matching Chernobyl Myst Parkettes, accented here with a Mongolian Prairie Dog Fur Campfire Hat, you make a statement. That statement is that you are no slave to trends! No way, sir! Sure, the rest of the world might have decided to feed their populations, and allow free speech and human rights, but you and your Parkette won’t be following the trendies anytime soon. You march to the beat of your own drummer, whether you’re making a choice of a chilly morning parkette, or deciding how many political dissidents to execute on any given day.

Kimbo 9

“And then I said ‘Lick my boots, Western Pig!’ and sure enough, Clinton did it. Oh, why am I telling you all this, you already read all about it in our one State controlled newspaper or saw the story on our one State controlled television news program.”

As if Dear Leader needed any help on the charisma front, his Parkette is the fashion talk of any get together with sycophantic, execution-wary military minions. One can be sure that it’s not only the snipers on the other side of the camera making these fellows grin in appreciation of Chosen Saviour’s loquacious self deprecating humour. He’s probably regaling them with the story of how he got his jacket by shooting a Capitalist Pig or how Madonna once offered to move to Poontang and be his personal concubine but he rejected her because she was too “used.” My goodness! That hair! Those glasses! That jacket! Truly, men want to be him and women want to be with him.

The Virgin Duck Down Hooded Early Fall Chilly Morning Parkette from L.L. Bean is the perfect complement to the wardrobe of any cubicle-dwelling worker drone with dreams of world domination and little fashion sense. Heck, if real dictators can wear it, you sure can while you’re planning how to depose your boss and move into the totalitarian top spot at your Kinko’s branch.