Monday, May 25, 2009

Emerging Disease Trend Heads-Up Update Journal Review Flyer, May 2009

With the current worldwide panic surrounding the recent outbreak of Swine Flu (Lickapigellosis), and in recent years, the similar outbreak of Bird Flu (Chickenfuckanasia), it is now more important than ever that information about new and emerging illnesses be delivered in a timely fashion to the general public.

We here at the Centers for Disease Identification, Control, and Killing (C.-D.I.C.K.) have recently identified three other animal- related illnesses that also pose a very real threat to public health and safety. These emerging diseases and a brief outline of their pertinent facts are outlined below:


Lovely Lad-y

“A two at ten…”

Proper Medical Name: Ithinkididadudeohshititis

Type of Disorder: Panic Disorder

Method of Transmission: Surprise discovery of salami under carrier’s skirt.

Signs/Symptoms: Sudden uncontrollable urges to lie to friends and coworkers about your whereabouts after the bar closed on Friday; chewed off arm stumps; obsessive-compulsive searching of bedroom to find and destroy evidence of an apparent transgender tryst; urges to clean tongue with steel wool and Drano; a new appreciation for the movie Hairspray.

How to Avoid Exposure: Never, ever, ever, drink that much fucking Tequila again. I mean it. Never.


Happy cub, soon sad cub

“Hey guys, you missed me! Unless I’m already in Heaven and this is just a dream. Oh, well, either way, thanks!”

Proper Medical Name: Whatthefuckhaveidoneosis

Type of Disorder: Psychiatric bitterness and shame related condition.

Method of Transmission: Vibrations travel up the club from the seal cub’s head and into the emotional reasoning center of the clubber’s brain, the amygdala, causing permanent emotional scarring.

Signs/Symptoms: Difficult time finishing a celebratory on-floe Moosehead beer without weeping; recurrent nightmares involving a larger being repeatedly smashing you in the head with a billy club; hallucinations which make it impossible to remove “blood” from your hands; difficulty rationalizing a measly paycheque from slaughter as being worth it to make pot holders and tea cozies for rich European pricks.

How to Avoid Exposure: Listen to conscience; stay on unemployment insurance; go to school and get trained for non wanton-violence related job.


P-O'd Bessie

“You want a piece of me? YOU want a piece of ME? Fine. Is sirloin tip alright?”

Proper Medical Name: Bovine Ensnuffaluffagus

Type of Disorder: Tourette’s-like language restraint disorder.

Pathogenesis: The consumption of an inordinate amount of McDonald’s cheeseburgers while surfing the net leads to an atrophy of the brain’s “How important am I?” reasoning center, causing delusions of grandeur.

Signs/Symptoms: May start a blog dedicated to ranting and raving about sweet piss all; sufferers prone to using internet as podium to complain and moan about things nobody cares about; unable to avoid condescending social commentary and/or lame attempts at humor; may start to masturbate to old Clara Peller “Where’s the Beef?” ads on YouTube when nothing else will work.

How to Avoid Exposure: Stay away from internet blogging; eat a balanced diet; get outside for exercise; stay away from the McDonald’s drive-thru.*

*It should be noted that to date, no sufferer of this disorder has been able to comply with reduced-exposure guidelines. After some mildly scary lobbying efforts on the part of Big Beef, C.-D.I.C.K. hereby rescinds the above guidelines, and suggests they be replaced with “Tell them to eat a shitload of McDonald’s cheeseburgers or we’ll kill you and your family.”

It is hoped that through these early warning updates, the public will be able to take the steps necessary to protect themselves against contracting these new illnesses. It should also be noted that the usual steps to avoid the contracting of Swine and Bird Flu still apply. Wherever reasonably possible try to avoid, or at least reduce, the amount of pig-humping and chicken jerking-off you would normally participate in and you should be safe.

And remember: If you are sick and need help, C.-D.I.C.K.

Babe and Flu Bird

“Hey Pig, what kind of Armageddon-quality Flu do you think we could unleash on the world if we were to lie down Biblically with each other?” “I don’t know Bird, but I’m down with a little poontanglia right about now, nomasayin?”

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

God Damned Crabby Old Farts Pissing and Moaning About Shit Piss Me Off To No End!

Dong-ald Mills

Most recent polaroid of Mr. Mills, circa approximately 1973

An open rebuttal to Mr. Donald Mills, Esquire (, in defense of young people:

The problem with old people today is they somehow gained access to the internet and can now spend their time pissing and moaning about shit in a public forum.

In the not too distant past, old people had the decency to leave the pissing and moaning about shit on the internet to the young people. The young people, fairly if you ask me, let the old people take care of the tasks they were best suited for, like trying to survive with Salisbury steak tastes on a cat-food level pension budget, and breathing in a laboured fashion. Old people were also allowed to have all of the spots available in old folks homes, even though it was a flagrant violation of equal access provisions in our country’s laws. I love Pablum! You don’t think I might like to live somewhere I could have it intravenously 3 meals a day, 365 days a year? That’s one exclusive country club, my friend.

Even though I could not actually describe myself as young, with the current pace of advancements in life-prolonging medical technologies, I may never even be able to catch middle age. How long is it until you and your Ovaltine Mafia ilk come after me as well? What’s next on your hate-filled agenda: “God Damned Middle Agers Having a Longer Lifespan Than Me Wrinkles My Knickers!” or “God Damned Formerly Young People Who Are Now Middle Aged And Run My Entire World Really Put The Frost On My Lily White Scrotum Hairs!”?

Do you ever even think about how tough it is for young people in today’s world? Sure, you may have stormed the beaches at Normandy, but after the landing, you probably still had six or seven buddies left from your platoon to help you go the rest of the way. Do you have any idea what it’s like to play World of Warcraft for thirty-six hours straight against a hundred thousand online opponents all by yourself? Now try to imagine it when you’ve run out of Red Bull, your mom is banging on your door telling you to go to school, you’re getting a cramp in your thumb, and you haven’t pissed in 12 hours. Seeing some similarities in the generational hardships?

Maybe it’s time to build a bridge between the generations, Donald. If you showed a little understanding, maybe the young people could learn to respect you in return. Let’s face it, all they have to do is unplug the wireless router and you’d be screwed anyway, trying to push the Ethernet plug into the ground receptacle of a wall outlet.

The problem with old people today is we let them gain access to the internet and talk shit instead of keeping them on islands with coconut phones and no power.

Sincerely, RBG

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Short Guide to Social Networking

Having a tough time deciding which social networking site to call home? Scared you might be the last one MyBooking when everyone else is FaceTwitting? In order to help sort through the choices available I have compiled the following short guide to each of the Big Three social networking sites, Facebook, MySpace, and


Perfect For: People with a small number of irritating family members; people with ridiculously shitty typing skills and even worse vocabularies; people who think swearwords look like this: c**ks***er; people who are “fans” of stuff; people who want to randomly be accosted by forgotten past acquaintances with messages like “Wassup?” Yes, written just like that. Christ!

Not So Good For: People who can capitalize; people who don’t care one lickety-shit if anyone knows what they are doing right now (Brent is: taking a poopie! And picking a scab! At the same time! For Rizzeal!”); people who don't like lots and lots and lots and lots of stupid goddamn quizzes. Sample: “Jolene took the ‘How often do you douche?’ quiz and scored 16,562,732 points! Take the quiz now!” No. I don’t douche. I am not, however, above assisting someone else in that regard. And women say chivalry is dead!


Perfect For: All the dipshits that haven’t noticed everyone is on Facebook now; people who enjoy soul-sucking somber mood music and the colour black; people who are determined to ride out this Facebook fad; people who put a lot of work into their MySpace page and are just really hoping their friends come back from…Facebook.

Not So Good For: Illiterate doorknobs, some people on MySpace still have standards; people under 16 who don’t know what the fuck it is or even care; the last few lonely folks floating around in MySpace…Space…Space…Space. The echo effect was actually me. I’m too broke to afford expensive sound mixing equipment.


Perfect For: People with no attention span; people who can’t form complete paragraphs; people that don’t only dislike grammar and spelling, but also dislike punctuation and meaning as well; people who like to not work while at work; the over a million(!) fucking losers that care what Gimme More and Assface Klootcher are twitterering about. Sample: “Love You, Ass!” “Love You, Gimme!” “Hey, Ass, let’s have the grossest old-young sex ever!” “Okay, Gimme, just let me slip myself a little roofie first to help get me through it!” Barf!

Not So Good For: People with attention spans; people without opposable thumbs and no mouth-stick for their Blackberry; people who don’t think texting needed a next level; your boss’s bottom line; people who think referring to a comment as a “Tweet” in actual conversation is about as appealing as removing their own eyeballs with a homemade Grade 11 Metal Shop Project Melon Baller. Jesus, the burrs!!

As you can see, there are many considerations when choosing your preferred platform for internet social networking. The important thing however, is that you pick the one that works for you. Climb up high on that sucker and shout out to the world: “Finally! I officially have no fucking life!” before stage-diving into the the multitudes of your new compatriots gathered below,their outstretched arms waiting to welcome you into their pasty-faced ranks.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Seniors Travel Advisory Part 1

Happy Couple It’s the Big Day! You and your spouse have worked for this moment your whole lives, and retirement is finally here. Now that you are cashing those sweet government cheques, the two of you can relax and pursue some of your long put-off passions. Hobbies such as trying to remember grandkid’s names, blue-plate special bargain-hunting, and attaining that PhD in crotchetiness you always talked about getting are no longer beyond your reach. You might even be able to go after the huckleberry of all retirement dreams: seniors’ bus tours to exotic destinations!

Unfortunately, due to the current economic downturn, many retirees no longer have the net worth they had hoped would carry them through these golden years. As such, many pensioners have been forced to abandon the long-held seniors practice of arranging travel through a travel agent, whom they could speak to directly by simply punching the extra-large numbers on their home telephone. Today, many not-so-computer-savvy oldsters have decided it is more economical to book their own travel on internet travel websites like This practice is fraught with danger, however, and we here at Seniors Travel Advisory have learned that the culprit is in fact the drop down search suggestion menu. We have learned of many tragic cases of well-meaning sight-impaired multigenarians accidentally selecting the wrong destination for their trip, with sometimes disastrous consequences. Over the next few weeks, we hope to shed light on some all too common mistakes made by these “accidental tourists.”

Today’s Example:

Couple A decides to take a long overdue seniors bus tour of North Carolina. They have always wanted to see the beautiful beaches, mountains, historical architecture, and golf courses of this picturesque state whizzing by their window at 60 miles per hour, and by golly, now is the time. In their haste to select from the search suggestion drop down menu, however, a critical mistake is made. Perhaps reading glasses had not recently been upgraded or maybe a whole Mai Tai had been consumed at lunch four hours earlier, we will never know. Sadly, instead of North Carolina, these unfortunate folks mistakenly selected a bus tour of North Korea! They have not been heard from to this day. In order to prevent this very tragedy from ever again occurring in the future, we here at S.T.A. believe that education is the key. Before booking a tour of North Carolina look for the following red flags in the trip itinerary:

Under “Gratuities”:

North Carolina: A 15% gratuity may be added to your meal purchases.

North Korea: Your credit card may be maxed out to purchase black market oil. *RED FLAG*

Under “Things To Do”:

North Carolina: Scooter along beaches, scooter around towns, scooter through the Appalachians.

North Korea: Forced manual labour, body parts harvestee, torture practice dummy. *RED FLAG*

Under “Accommodation”:

North Carolina: Any roadside motel containing a Denny’s.

North Korea: Prison, Work Camp, Unmarked Grave. *RED FLAG*

Under “Departure Time”:

North Carolina: Meet at the West 6th Avenue Denny’s at noon.

North Korea: Meet at the Los Angeles Port Authority Ship Loading Facility, Container 54675, at dusk. *RED FLAG*

We hope this has been as educational for you long-in-the-toothers as it has been satisfying for us to help out. Stay tuned for future Seniors Travel Advisory announcements and remember:


North Carolina


Kim J

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Aging Gracefully or Alien Invasion?

I’ve been noticing lately that some celebrities just seem to be looking better and better as they age. Although I am not much of a conspiracy buff, an article I read recently indicated that some Hollywood personalities appeared to be looking better than they should at their age, even given their clean living pasts and healthy lifestyles. This same article hinted that even greater forces may be at work in these people’s discovered-the-fountain-of-youth appearances. I will attempt to present the issue from both sides, you be the judge:


Aging Gracefully?: Michael does look after his health by bleaching his skin to kill nasty aging bacteria, has never seen the sun, and keeps young by surrounding himself closely with prepubescent snuggling companions.

Alien Invasion?: He has somehow metamorphosed himself from an African-American kid into a bone-white adult and he does not appear to have a normal human attitude toward the number of other people’s kids that should sleep in his bed with him.

Lookin' good Mickey

Aging Gracefully?: Mickey has kept his blood alcohol level high enough throughout his life to delay the effects of aging. He has also been very sparing with plastic surgery procedures, choosing instead to let his natural beauty shine through.

Alien Invasion?: He now has to drink through a sippy-cup (aliens apparently prefer this), and he seems to constantly wear the benevolent surprised grin of the world destroying Methulon people.


Aging Gracefully?: Joan Rivers’ acid containing blood and venomous tongue have helped to preserve her youthful beauty as well as keeping aging at bay through, well, fear.

Alien Invasion?: Leaked reports from the set of the Celebrity Apprentice set claim the sound of electric motors and servos could be heard whenever Joan moved. Also, in this picture she is 263 years old.

Obviously a good case can be made for both explanations. On one hand, these celebs’ timeless beauty could be the result of good clean living and a few insignificant and judiciously applied cosmetic procedures. On the other hand, their bodies could be inhabited by amorphous alien beings composed entirely of collagen, ass fat, and stitches. One last piece of evidence may influence your decision about an alien invasion however*:


Might be Niles from “Frasier.” Or not.

*Note: Picture will have greater effect if Close Encounters of the Third Kind theme music is playing in background when viewing.

Posting is so last week. Let’s get commenting!

In the overwhelmingly massive world of blogs, it seems that posting often is widely viewed as the most important aspect of increasing and/or maintaining readership. I would imagine that in today’s world of distractions, keeping the interest level up is no easy feat, given the wondrous assortment of mind numbing, easily-accessed crap out there. If I want, I can get all of the useless information I need in nice, crack-sized bites of flashing light and breathless commentary on shows like Entertainment Tonight (which has almost surpassed crack to become the crystal meth of reporting), or through a few quick clicks of the mouse around Google News. It’s also tough to compete with the written word against the oh, probably six million videos on YouTube of some dude getting hit in the genitals with some type of ball/hockey stick/golf club/bat/car/apartment building, or fuzzy domestic animal. I mean, honestly, that’s usually where I end up when I should be posting. So why the hell would anyone be interested in checking out our mind numbingly easily-accessed crap? Turns out, they’re not! Pretty much nobody comes back, and these things are basically like sending out a seasonal form letter to family members, the exception being that those usually aren’t insecurity-driven.

It just so happens that all the real action is happening in the comments section! Why do all the freakin’ work of posting something when commenting on other’s work is infinitely more life affirming? It is also easier, more fun, and a lot less soul-baring. Commenting comes in nice, easily digestible chunks, and you always finish with that George Costanza “You’ve been great! I’m outta here!” leave-on-a-high-note feeling. A commenter isn’t expected to maintain interest much past a Twitter-like sentence or two, which is perfect for me. I like to serve up my smarmalade covered chunks of wisdom toast in quick bites, which seems odd considering I am the universally acknowledged master of the run on sentence. With commenting, you are also playing to a built-in audience, that being the six  four one to two other bloggers that read your blog and bother to leave a comment. In this way, you get to feel like a part of something. As an example, I commented on a post from one of the blogs in my Blog List one time. In their response they called me “Random Commenter Guy” instead of my screen name in my comment (RBG). Now if getting your own nickname right off the bat isn’t special, I don’t know what is! I could definitely feel the love. It’s a real family environment around here, very similar to an Amish community just off the side of the highway that no one has any idea is even there.

Well, better get going. I see some new posts have popped up in my Blog List, and they’re probably dying to know what I think. I can always post tomorrow, right?

Friday, May 8, 2009

From Beyond the Grave, Part 1


"Livin', existin' large up here, folks!"

In today’s installment of From Beyond the Grave we are pleased to have famed defense attorney Johnnie Cochran as our guest to weigh in with his opinions on some current events. Johnnie is perhaps best known the world over for defending OJ Simpson in the “Trial of the Century.” There are some lesser known facts about Johnnie however, including that he was bustin’ courtroom rhymes MC style while ICEs Cube and T were still shitting in their bloomers. He also possessed the uncanny telekinetic power to shrink leather material, a rarely needed skill, but oh so important in the right situation. Let’s see what Johnnie thinks about some of today’s water cooler conversation topics:

Headline Says:

“Devout Catholic” and Father of Seven Children Mel Gibson Gets Divorced, Takes up With Daughter-Aged Russian Pop-Star Wannabe”

Mad Mel

Johnnie Says:

“ While Mel and I do share some views regarding the LAPD, I disagree with his calling the female officer from his DUI arrest, “Sugar Tits.” I personally saw nothing sweet about those titties whatsoever. Although not a favourite of the Jewish community, Mel has done a good job of representing “Devout Catholics” and Drunken Mid-Life Crisis Foreign Pop-Star Bangers, so he deserves some credit for that. Had I not shuffled off of the mortal coil, so to speak, I would have been happy to represent him in both his current and all numerous future journeys through the legal system. My verdict? At the risk of sounding salacious, the man’s behaviour is disgracious, but the girlfriend is boooodacious!”

Headline Says:

“Barack Obama Elected First African-American President, America Gives Dubya the Finger on the Way Out”

obama 2

Johnnie Says:

“I never thought I would live to see the day when we would finally have an African-American President, and come to think of it, I didn’t. I never had much use for that cracker fella Bush. He just seemed too into convicting murderers for my liking. If I could have still been there, I would have loved to have been a part of President Obama’s inner circle. God knows with that Bill Clinton lurking around there, they’re going to need someone like me on the payroll. My verdict? Illuminating, rejuvenating, downright Martin Luther Kinginating.”

Headline Says:

“Former Child Star and Current Hollywood Party Dishrag Lindsay Lohan Drinking Again, Tinseltown Reels in Surprise”


Johnnie Says:

“Now I wish people wouldn’t be so hard on this poor girl. She is certainly not the first Hollywood personality to fail at rehab, in fact, no one there has ever succeeded at it. Without Lindsay and all of her upper class, drunk driving, neighbourhood wannabe celebrity brethren, half the legal industry in Los Angeles might as well pack up and go home. So thank God for her and her ilk, don’t you ever change girl. My verdict? Lindsay reminds me a bit of Chicken McNuggets. The ingredients may be a little suspicious, but if you’re drunk enough, mmm…delicious.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Have a little sympathy, people.

These days it just seems like everyone is sitting around complaining about everything. “My job sucks!” “My life sucks!” “Why can’t I have an awesome, worry free existence like some rich and famous celebrity?” Well, it is a little known fact that many celebrities have overcome their own share of adversity to get where they are today. Perhaps a few heartwarming examples will help to turn that frown upside down:

Britney Spears

Hey Britney

Now I know what you’re thinking: Britney? She’s got it made in the shade, friend. Why she had a great upbringing from caring, non-career driven parents that are still helping her out for a salary, she’s blessed with excellent judgment, and she’s the only person in North America allowed to drive with her kids on her lap instead of in a child car seat!

All of these are very valid points, I agree, and they do make her life look pretty awesome. Did you know however that she suffers from a rare congenital disorder called Absentomoralgia? This tragic disorder affects two out of every 300 million Americans, Lindsay Lohan being its other unfortunate victim. This terrible disease causes its sufferers to not realize their koochie is peeking out from under their dress in public and they will go about their business obliviously, despite repeated popping flashbulbs and warnings from their handlers. Her life doesn’t seem so great now does it?

Matthew McConaughey


The next in our list of Hollywood rare condition sufferers is Matthew McConaughey. On the surface this pot smokin’, bongo thumpin’, good ol’ boy seems to have it all: the lust of millions of women, his pick of super duper romantic comedy roles, and a number of abs that exceeds the North American male average of one. Due to his gleaming man tan, George Hamilton is also reported to have put out a hit on him, the highest form of tan respect.

Unfortunately for Matty (can I call you Matty? Thanks), during his delivery by caesarean section, doctors accidentally severed any and all discernible talent from his tiny body. Normally this would not necessarily affect a person’s quality of life (think Paula Abdul), but he was also born with the congenital disease Smugnalia. This devastating condition causes its victims to deliver their lines through a shit eating grin that makes a person want to punch them right in the face. Is your life starting to look better yet?

Kelsey Grammer


Our last poor unfortunate soul for your consideration is Kelsey Grammer. This well known comedic actor went from a supporting role in the much loved sitcom Cheers to his own show named, appropriately enough, Frasier, after his Cheers character Dr. Frasier Crane. Not only has he been blessed with roles in one good TV show, and one almost-Must-See-TV show, he was lucky enough to land a role in a recent putrid attempt at a comeback (good try fella!).

Its not all wine and roses in Kelsey’s life however. When he was a small child he visited a neigbourhood corner store with his mother. Unbeknownst to young Kelsey, his mother was filling her pockets with cigarettes and bags of pork rinds as they wandered around the little shop. When she attempted to put a 40 ounce bottle of Colt 45 Malt Liquor under her shirt, the old Gypsy shopkeeper saw Kelsey’s mom out of the corner of her eye and chased them out into the street, screaming a somewhat specific curse after them:

“Your son will forever be cursed to star in roles as a pompous jerkoff in second-rate sitcoms that are much beloved by faux intellectuals because they are “smarter” than other shows! Oh, and he will grow up to have a forehead with the same approximate square footage as the flight deck of the USS Nimitz, and a hairline that looks like it was created by a jet engine test in a wind tunnel! And on another note, he will play the only character in the history of the X-Men movies that fans hoped would die immediately after he said his first line!!!”

Sadly, every single part of the curse came true.

As you can see, folks, some rich and famous people have their problems to deal with too, and on some levels they are just like us. Instead of lumping everyone in together with our scorn lets save it up for those who really deserve it:


Easy to hate.


Almost too friggin’ easy to hate.

Friday, May 1, 2009

100 days, the diary update.

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry it has been so long since we talked, but a lot has been happening! I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m the President of the United States of America now! For real!

obama 11

“Gosh, look at all the nice people, Golly, this is fun!”

I’ve really met a lot of nice and interesting people along the way, and I think I’ve made a new friend or two as well!

obama 13

“Could you please step back? You smell like Metamucil and Absorbine Jr. I just really need you to step back right now.”

Since Washington is such a big ol’ scary place, I’m gonna need some help to get everything figured out around there. So I decided to bring along a couple of old, rich, non-threatening white people with me to show me the ropes. They’ve only been there, like, forever!

Obama 12

“This one’s for you racist dicks down there in Dixie…

obama 7

….and this one’s for you uptight Real Housewives of New York City douchebags.”

Swearing in was way easier than I thought it would be!

obama 9

“Repeat after me: ‘High Five!’” “No! Like Borat! ‘Hiiggh Fiiive’!'”

Then I got some bad news. My other good non-threatening rich white BFF Ben Bernanke came and told me that these two fellas had been cornholing each other for years! Everybody knew about it and no one did anything to stop it, he said! They were all too busy packing their golden parachutes, he said!


“You are lookin’ good! " “No. You. YOU are lookin’ good”

"Those suspenders…my stars!”

Then my good non-threatening BFF Ben told me the worst news of all! These two had an illegitimate bastard lovechild! And I have to raise it! And it’s not even cute! What kind of a name is “Recession” anyway?!!


“Can anyone ever truly love me for who I am, not who they want me to be?”

I’m beginning to get a little scared. I mean, OMG, I’ve never raised an economy-sucking black hole of a bastard lovechild before! I don’t even know if I’ll be any good at it! I’m a little worried, that’s for sure. Oh, well, talk to you soon.

Love, Barack


“What in the fuck have I gotten myself into?”