Monday, May 4, 2009

Have a little sympathy, people.

These days it just seems like everyone is sitting around complaining about everything. “My job sucks!” “My life sucks!” “Why can’t I have an awesome, worry free existence like some rich and famous celebrity?” Well, it is a little known fact that many celebrities have overcome their own share of adversity to get where they are today. Perhaps a few heartwarming examples will help to turn that frown upside down:

Britney Spears

Hey Britney

Now I know what you’re thinking: Britney? She’s got it made in the shade, friend. Why she had a great upbringing from caring, non-career driven parents that are still helping her out for a salary, she’s blessed with excellent judgment, and she’s the only person in North America allowed to drive with her kids on her lap instead of in a child car seat!

All of these are very valid points, I agree, and they do make her life look pretty awesome. Did you know however that she suffers from a rare congenital disorder called Absentomoralgia? This tragic disorder affects two out of every 300 million Americans, Lindsay Lohan being its other unfortunate victim. This terrible disease causes its sufferers to not realize their koochie is peeking out from under their dress in public and they will go about their business obliviously, despite repeated popping flashbulbs and warnings from their handlers. Her life doesn’t seem so great now does it?

Matthew McConaughey

Mcconaughey

The next in our list of Hollywood rare condition sufferers is Matthew McConaughey. On the surface this pot smokin’, bongo thumpin’, good ol’ boy seems to have it all: the lust of millions of women, his pick of super duper romantic comedy roles, and a number of abs that exceeds the North American male average of one. Due to his gleaming man tan, George Hamilton is also reported to have put out a hit on him, the highest form of tan respect.

Unfortunately for Matty (can I call you Matty? Thanks), during his delivery by caesarean section, doctors accidentally severed any and all discernible talent from his tiny body. Normally this would not necessarily affect a person’s quality of life (think Paula Abdul), but he was also born with the congenital disease Smugnalia. This devastating condition causes its victims to deliver their lines through a shit eating grin that makes a person want to punch them right in the face. Is your life starting to look better yet?

Kelsey Grammer

Grammer

Our last poor unfortunate soul for your consideration is Kelsey Grammer. This well known comedic actor went from a supporting role in the much loved sitcom Cheers to his own show named, appropriately enough, Frasier, after his Cheers character Dr. Frasier Crane. Not only has he been blessed with roles in one good TV show, and one almost-Must-See-TV show, he was lucky enough to land a role in a recent putrid attempt at a comeback (good try fella!).

Its not all wine and roses in Kelsey’s life however. When he was a small child he visited a neigbourhood corner store with his mother. Unbeknownst to young Kelsey, his mother was filling her pockets with cigarettes and bags of pork rinds as they wandered around the little shop. When she attempted to put a 40 ounce bottle of Colt 45 Malt Liquor under her shirt, the old Gypsy shopkeeper saw Kelsey’s mom out of the corner of her eye and chased them out into the street, screaming a somewhat specific curse after them:

“Your son will forever be cursed to star in roles as a pompous jerkoff in second-rate sitcoms that are much beloved by faux intellectuals because they are “smarter” than other shows! Oh, and he will grow up to have a forehead with the same approximate square footage as the flight deck of the USS Nimitz, and a hairline that looks like it was created by a jet engine test in a wind tunnel! And on another note, he will play the only character in the history of the X-Men movies that fans hoped would die immediately after he said his first line!!!”

Sadly, every single part of the curse came true.

As you can see, folks, some rich and famous people have their problems to deal with too, and on some levels they are just like us. Instead of lumping everyone in together with our scorn lets save it up for those who really deserve it:

cowell

Easy to hate.

hilton

Almost too friggin’ easy to hate.

2 comments:

  1. Good God man, sour grapes or what?? Those poor little girls just didn't have clean undies to wear that day, that's all. And poor Matthew with his shit eating grin and dentist driven sparkling teeth is only doing what his director tells him to so that he can earn his couple of million. Kelsey can't help what his hairline turned out to be like, doesn't matter that he would be "creepy" regardless of what his hairline did!!! Then there is Simon, oh Simon, Simon "Scowl" - bet he's laughing when he goes to the bank on payday though!! Last but not least, who in the hell is the last picture ?? Is that "precious Paris"???

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  2. That's not "precious Paris," that's "Why do I have to face the consequences of my actions like the little people Paris."

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