With the current worldwide panic surrounding the recent outbreak of Swine Flu (Lickapigellosis), and in recent years, the similar outbreak of Bird Flu (Chickenfuckanasia), it is now more important than ever that information about new and emerging illnesses be delivered in a timely fashion to the general public.
We here at the Centers for Disease Identification, Control, and Killing (C.-D.I.C.K.) have recently identified three other animal- related illnesses that also pose a very real threat to public health and safety. These emerging diseases and a brief outline of their pertinent facts are outlined below:
COYOTE FLU
“A two at ten…”
Proper Medical Name: Ithinkididadudeohshititis
Type of Disorder: Panic Disorder
Method of Transmission: Surprise discovery of salami under carrier’s skirt.
Signs/Symptoms: Sudden uncontrollable urges to lie to friends and coworkers about your whereabouts after the bar closed on Friday; chewed off arm stumps; obsessive-compulsive searching of bedroom to find and destroy evidence of an apparent transgender tryst; urges to clean tongue with steel wool and Drano; a new appreciation for the movie Hairspray.
How to Avoid Exposure: Never, ever, ever, drink that much fucking Tequila again. I mean it. Never.
SEAL CUB FLU
“Hey guys, you missed me! Unless I’m already in Heaven and this is just a dream. Oh, well, either way, thanks!”
Proper Medical Name: Whatthefuckhaveidoneosis
Type of Disorder: Psychiatric bitterness and shame related condition.
Method of Transmission: Vibrations travel up the club from the seal cub’s head and into the emotional reasoning center of the clubber’s brain, the amygdala, causing permanent emotional scarring.
Signs/Symptoms: Difficult time finishing a celebratory on-floe Moosehead beer without weeping; recurrent nightmares involving a larger being repeatedly smashing you in the head with a billy club; hallucinations which make it impossible to remove “blood” from your hands; difficulty rationalizing a measly paycheque from slaughter as being worth it to make pot holders and tea cozies for rich European pricks.
How to Avoid Exposure: Listen to conscience; stay on unemployment insurance; go to school and get trained for non wanton-violence related job.
REALLY GODDAMN MAD COW DISEASE
“You want a piece of me? YOU want a piece of ME? Fine. Is sirloin tip alright?”
Proper Medical Name: Bovine Ensnuffaluffagus
Type of Disorder: Tourette’s-like language restraint disorder.
Pathogenesis: The consumption of an inordinate amount of McDonald’s cheeseburgers while surfing the net leads to an atrophy of the brain’s “How important am I?” reasoning center, causing delusions of grandeur.
Signs/Symptoms: May start a blog dedicated to ranting and raving about sweet piss all; sufferers prone to using internet as podium to complain and moan about things nobody cares about; unable to avoid condescending social commentary and/or lame attempts at humor; may start to masturbate to old Clara Peller “Where’s the Beef?” ads on YouTube when nothing else will work.
How to Avoid Exposure: Stay away from internet blogging; eat a balanced diet; get outside for exercise; stay away from the McDonald’s drive-thru.*
*It should be noted that to date, no sufferer of this disorder has been able to comply with reduced-exposure guidelines. After some mildly scary lobbying efforts on the part of Big Beef, C.-D.I.C.K. hereby rescinds the above guidelines, and suggests they be replaced with “Tell them to eat a shitload of McDonald’s cheeseburgers or we’ll kill you and your family.”
It is hoped that through these early warning updates, the public will be able to take the steps necessary to protect themselves against contracting these new illnesses. It should also be noted that the usual steps to avoid the contracting of Swine and Bird Flu still apply. Wherever reasonably possible try to avoid, or at least reduce, the amount of pig-humping and chicken jerking-off you would normally participate in and you should be safe.
And remember: If you are sick and need help, C.-D.I.C.K.
“Hey Pig, what kind of Armageddon-quality Flu do you think we could unleash on the world if we were to lie down Biblically with each other?” “I don’t know Bird, but I’m down with a little poontanglia right about now, nomasayin?”
Uh-oh... I think I'm at high risk for the really goddamn mad cow disease. I'm not showing any of the symptoms yet though, so that's always good.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I need to call C-DICK. What's their number? ;)
Just phone 1-888-SEE-DICK, and follow the prompts. As a precautionary measure, however, you should consider limiting contact with other humans. Oh, wait, that's why we're here in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI miss the good old days...when all we had to worry about was scurvy and gangrene...
ReplyDelete