Saturday, January 23, 2010

So Many “Sides” to Every Story


Sandra Bullock, shown here with costar, umm… Waylon Jennings I think, in “The Blind Side.”

Have you seen the movie The Blind Side yet? It was one of the year’s big hits, and starred Sandra Bullock in easily her most challenging role to date, playing a blonde with some sort of accent, Iranian I think. I went to see it with the whole family, and let me tell you it was quite an uplifting tale. Basically, the story revolves around some rich white folks who take in an underprivileged blind African American kid named “Ray” or “Stevie” I think. Long story short, due to their kindly influence in the boy’s life and their copious sprinklings of cold hard cash around the lad’s environment, he goes on to excel in sports and becomes the first ever blind linebacker to be drafted by the Los Angeles Dodgers or something like that. Truth is, I was a little bit loaded when we went to see the movie, and the details are a little hazy. It usually takes me a coffee cup or two of gin to get through “family time.” At least this time my wife told me that I didn’t tell everyone what I really thought of them for a change. That’s good because I like to save that for special occasions like big family dinners, Bar Mitzvahs, and Christenings. Maybe the odd funeral.

Anyway, after the film’s huge success, movie studios were scrambling to recreate The Blind Side’s golden touch at the box office. Exit polls of the film’s viewers were instrumental in determining that the chief reason most people had gone to see the movie was in fact the inclusion of the word “side” in the movie’s title. Surprisingly, North Americans are head-over-heels in love with “sides” of all kinds. There is the ubiquitous side of fries with a side of gravy, sides of beef, cheap shot sideswipes at political opponents, and Tiger’s personal favourite: gettin’ a little on the side. All of these “sides” are integral parts of our societal fabric, and the sides of fries and beef are also largely responsible for the ever-increasing size of our clothing fabric. Naturally, the studios have been quick to capitalize on this love affair with “sides” leading to a glut of movies being released in 2010 with the magic word in the title:

The Down Side

Release Date: Summer 2010

So much perfect tousling!

“I think I’m a little too wasted to pull this off, Angie.” “Just do exactly as I say, you fucking Ken doll.”

Starring: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Plot: A psychotic and loosely wound showbiz progeny meets a down and out Sexiest Man Alive honoree and chronic co-star humper on the set of a movie both are set to star in. She lures him away from America’s Sweetheart Rachel Baniston and proceeds to introduce him to a fantastic world he never dared believe he could be a part of: the world of marriage, fatherhood, and being chased around the house with knives during arguments over who used the last of the toilet paper. He also becomes associated with the United Nations, both in a family way, as well as through inappropriate UN appointments for his wife. He soon finds the wonderful world he has become a part of has one chilling down side, however: her.

The Right Side

Release Date: Summer 2010

The sexual tension is palpable.

“Who needs an IQ when you’ve got your own TV show and a MILF haircut?”

Starring: Bill O’Reilly and Sarah Palin

Plot: A philanthropic and misunderstood bullying, screeching right-wing television talking head comes across a woman in a fine restaurant eating cheesecake with her bare hands and drinking Budweiser from the can. Somewhere beneath his revulsion, he finds himself wondering about her potential. Could she be a Vice Presidential candidate for the Republican Party one day? He sets about on a Pygmalion-like journey with her, starting with introducing her to his rarified high society world; the use of utensils; teaching her to speak; how to use a variety of guns for both self-defense and simple pleasure, and of course, a strong educational grounding in the disciplines of Judgmentalism and Ignorance. Through their journey together, they learn many things from each other. Bill teaches Sarah not to be afraid of threesomes with high priced escorts, and how to properly pronounce “Shot Op!” ;she teaches him how to deal with an unplanned pregnancy and kill a moose with one’s bare hands.

The Left Side

Release Date: Fall 2010

This is my 'O' face.

Ooooh, baby I love your way!” “That’s it Jenna, keep it together. Just stare straight ahead, it will all be over soon.”

Starring: Edward Norton and Jenna Elfman

Plot: A crusading environmental lawyer (Norton) goes to the High Arctic to serve the seal clubbing fleet with a stop work injunction issued by the World’s outrage. While on the ice floes, he meets a kooky, environmentally aware, albino Inuit woman (Elfman) who has been running from floe to floe, throwing herself between the sealer’s clubs and the perplexed seal cubs. Although beaten badly, and barely recognizable, Elfman’s courage inspires Norton to take her back to New York with him on his private hybrid 737 jet. He introduces her to the world of high level meetings on important issues like Climate Change © and Carbon Footprints © and teaches her how to properly encrypt her emails so they can’t be hacked by evil Oil Barons. Through their mutual love of recycling, bicycling, and carbon cycling, a bond is forged between them, and they fall in love. Elfman becomes the first albino Inuit woman to be appointed UN High Commissioner of Dubious Environmental Claims, while Norton is called to Washington to head President Obama’s Council on Greening the Shit out of Everything.

Wow, as usual Hollywood has gone all out in it’s efforts to please the masses once again! I for one might even go to see some of these movies sober. If I can get the family to stay home, that is.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

2009, The Year in Rear-View

Finally, the holiday season is over. I think. I’ve been a little out of the loop for awhile, what with the Shitmas insanity, skull-crushing stress inducing work situation, and general festive season malaise (I think malaise is French for “Fuck, enough of this shit for one year, already!). I also made the mistake of going to watch Avatar, which took up the better part of the last two weeks. Jesus, that was one long movie, thank goodness the message was so uplifting and deep and inspiring and moving and heavy-handed and browbeating and super-awesome….aw, Christ, I just threw up on myself. I’ll be back in a minute.

There! Fresh as a daisy. Nothing a quick wipe with an antibacterial Lysol wipe, a snazzy new pair of Underoos and a freshly mixed Tom Collins can’t fix! Now where was I? Oh yeah, I was celebrating the end of the festive season and dreading the countdown to the beginning of the next Shitmas shopping season which begins on July 31st for 2010, I think. Another thing about Avatar? What do you think will come out on top, Avatar’s worldwide box office gross or charitable donations to the Haitian relief effort? I think I know, but I sure hope I’m wrong. And on a related note: Pat Robertson, you are truly a godless douchebag. Seriously, you have taken douchenificence to a whole new level with that “pact with the Devil” thing. Oh, well, I can take some comfort in the fact that you will get a chance soon to ask him yourself, you ain’t exactly a Spring Chicken anymore Patty-boy.

Now that we are a couple of weeks into the new year, I thought I would take a little time to reflect on some of the events of 2009 that I found interesting, presented here in no particular order:

Health Care Reform in The Good Ol’ U.S. of A – holes

Just reg'lar folks

Ha Ha! That idiot spelled “Honkies” wrong, and that woman cut the “Barely” off the top of her sign!

Now this was some good stuff. I never got tired of watching blood-pressure controlled, Type II diabetic oldsters shrieking and shouting and sign-waving, spittle and dentures inadvertently flying from their mouths in Town Hall meetings all across America. C’mon, you have to admit that took some serious sack for those poor politicians to face those insane mobs. Wouldn’t the people in the photo above be happy to know that when their morbid obesity finally claims their ability to work and pay for health insurance, the government will provide a feeding tube for them to mainline pureed Big Macs free of charge? Just what have the angry mobs heard anyway? I hope no one told them what we do here in Canada. It’s not so much of a Logan’s Run type of thing, it’s more of a put-the-old-folks- and-sickies-on-an-ice-floe-for-cheap-cooling in preparation for a Soylent Green type of thing.

Celebrities Behaving Awesomely, Awesomelessly, and Deatheningly

From Kanye to Kan't-ye

In retrospect, Taylor Swift should be happy it was this guy coming at her and not Tiger Woods.

As usual celebrities kept us entertained with all of their wacky hijinks. Good ol’ Kanye descended further into madness and scared the living shit out of Taylor Swift, much to our collective amusement. A note of advice to Taylor: If you are ever about to be interrupted on stage mid-speech again, just quickly turn sideways as the perp is approaching, and they won’t be able to see you. Could someone from the “Health Care Reform” picture above lend her a piece of pizza? Susan Boyle became an instant celebrity and overnight YouTube sensation, plucking the heartstrings of millions with her surprising singing talent. Surprising on account of you know, because she didn’t look like Britney Spears (if Britney had talent). It’s amazing. Who knew normal-looking people could sing? Except maybe the reality-bending producers of Britain’s Got Talent. You have heard of preliminary auditions, haven’t you people? Finally, the music world and the world of loser fans with nothing better to do than worship creepy transparent kiddie touchers lost an icon this year, when Wacko Jacko died from an overdose of….some sort of intravenous sedative that he used to help him sleep? What the Hell? Celebrities lives are even more amazing than I thought, and so are their deaths! “I’m gonna let y’all finish in a minute, I just wanna say that Elvis had one of the best celebrity deaths of all time!” Yeah, yeah. Fuck off, Kanye.

Not to be outdone by Michael Jackson, the world economy continued it’s own downward death spiral, taking yours, mine, and the guy next door’s job with it. Charmingly, it was nice enough leave CEOs relatively unscathed, as Canadian reports of average CEO earnings being 174 times the average worker’s salary emerged. Can you imagine the talk in the C-Suites after that little shit-nugget of news popped out? I can imagine it went something like this: “174 times?! 174!? Are you serious? Nobody orders 174 Mercedes! I mean a number like 175 or 200, I can understand, but 174? What kind of a stupid number is that? Let’s pull our fucking socks up and try harder next year people!”

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge Tiger’s contributions to the world that was 2009. Undercover Brother was right, the skinny blonde white woman truly is “Black Man’s Kryptonite.” Hey Tiger, I hear Kate Gosselin is on the market. She’s got a wee bit of baggage, but she doesn’t golf so you shouldn’t have to spend as much time ducking nine irons.