Sunday, January 17, 2010

2009, The Year in Rear-View

Finally, the holiday season is over. I think. I’ve been a little out of the loop for awhile, what with the Shitmas insanity, skull-crushing stress inducing work situation, and general festive season malaise (I think malaise is French for “Fuck, enough of this shit for one year, already!). I also made the mistake of going to watch Avatar, which took up the better part of the last two weeks. Jesus, that was one long movie, thank goodness the message was so uplifting and deep and inspiring and moving and heavy-handed and browbeating and super-awesome….aw, Christ, I just threw up on myself. I’ll be back in a minute.

There! Fresh as a daisy. Nothing a quick wipe with an antibacterial Lysol wipe, a snazzy new pair of Underoos and a freshly mixed Tom Collins can’t fix! Now where was I? Oh yeah, I was celebrating the end of the festive season and dreading the countdown to the beginning of the next Shitmas shopping season which begins on July 31st for 2010, I think. Another thing about Avatar? What do you think will come out on top, Avatar’s worldwide box office gross or charitable donations to the Haitian relief effort? I think I know, but I sure hope I’m wrong. And on a related note: Pat Robertson, you are truly a godless douchebag. Seriously, you have taken douchenificence to a whole new level with that “pact with the Devil” thing. Oh, well, I can take some comfort in the fact that you will get a chance soon to ask him yourself, you ain’t exactly a Spring Chicken anymore Patty-boy.

Now that we are a couple of weeks into the new year, I thought I would take a little time to reflect on some of the events of 2009 that I found interesting, presented here in no particular order:

Health Care Reform in The Good Ol’ U.S. of A – holes

Just reg'lar folks

Ha Ha! That idiot spelled “Honkies” wrong, and that woman cut the “Barely” off the top of her sign!

Now this was some good stuff. I never got tired of watching blood-pressure controlled, Type II diabetic oldsters shrieking and shouting and sign-waving, spittle and dentures inadvertently flying from their mouths in Town Hall meetings all across America. C’mon, you have to admit that took some serious sack for those poor politicians to face those insane mobs. Wouldn’t the people in the photo above be happy to know that when their morbid obesity finally claims their ability to work and pay for health insurance, the government will provide a feeding tube for them to mainline pureed Big Macs free of charge? Just what have the angry mobs heard anyway? I hope no one told them what we do here in Canada. It’s not so much of a Logan’s Run type of thing, it’s more of a put-the-old-folks- and-sickies-on-an-ice-floe-for-cheap-cooling in preparation for a Soylent Green type of thing.

Celebrities Behaving Awesomely, Awesomelessly, and Deatheningly

From Kanye to Kan't-ye

In retrospect, Taylor Swift should be happy it was this guy coming at her and not Tiger Woods.

As usual celebrities kept us entertained with all of their wacky hijinks. Good ol’ Kanye descended further into madness and scared the living shit out of Taylor Swift, much to our collective amusement. A note of advice to Taylor: If you are ever about to be interrupted on stage mid-speech again, just quickly turn sideways as the perp is approaching, and they won’t be able to see you. Could someone from the “Health Care Reform” picture above lend her a piece of pizza? Susan Boyle became an instant celebrity and overnight YouTube sensation, plucking the heartstrings of millions with her surprising singing talent. Surprising on account of you know, because she didn’t look like Britney Spears (if Britney had talent). It’s amazing. Who knew normal-looking people could sing? Except maybe the reality-bending producers of Britain’s Got Talent. You have heard of preliminary auditions, haven’t you people? Finally, the music world and the world of loser fans with nothing better to do than worship creepy transparent kiddie touchers lost an icon this year, when Wacko Jacko died from an overdose of….some sort of intravenous sedative that he used to help him sleep? What the Hell? Celebrities lives are even more amazing than I thought, and so are their deaths! “I’m gonna let y’all finish in a minute, I just wanna say that Elvis had one of the best celebrity deaths of all time!” Yeah, yeah. Fuck off, Kanye.

Not to be outdone by Michael Jackson, the world economy continued it’s own downward death spiral, taking yours, mine, and the guy next door’s job with it. Charmingly, it was nice enough leave CEOs relatively unscathed, as Canadian reports of average CEO earnings being 174 times the average worker’s salary emerged. Can you imagine the talk in the C-Suites after that little shit-nugget of news popped out? I can imagine it went something like this: “174 times?! 174!? Are you serious? Nobody orders 174 Mercedes! I mean a number like 175 or 200, I can understand, but 174? What kind of a stupid number is that? Let’s pull our fucking socks up and try harder next year people!”

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge Tiger’s contributions to the world that was 2009. Undercover Brother was right, the skinny blonde white woman truly is “Black Man’s Kryptonite.” Hey Tiger, I hear Kate Gosselin is on the market. She’s got a wee bit of baggage, but she doesn’t golf so you shouldn’t have to spend as much time ducking nine irons.


  1. Wicked funny. Oh and the pious Pat will not go to hell he will live forever to make us suffer for that's the deal he made with his devil. Thanks for the laugh. Every happiness and success in 2010.
    Warm regards,

  2. Well done my boy. "Douchenificence" - what a wonderful word. I thought that creep was dead. Douchbag is far too nice for someone of his calibre - you aren't losing your edge are you???
    Love ya.

  3. Thanks so much for the kind comments, ladies. Well, thank you, Simone for your kind comments. As for you Mother,"Losing my edge!?"

    How about you just go right ahead and take a long walk off a short pier! Edgy enough? No? Well, up yours then!

  4. Ouch, now that is edgy when you can talk to your own mother like that - well done - NOT!!!!!