Saturday, January 23, 2010

So Many “Sides” to Every Story


Sandra Bullock, shown here with costar, umm… Waylon Jennings I think, in “The Blind Side.”

Have you seen the movie The Blind Side yet? It was one of the year’s big hits, and starred Sandra Bullock in easily her most challenging role to date, playing a blonde with some sort of accent, Iranian I think. I went to see it with the whole family, and let me tell you it was quite an uplifting tale. Basically, the story revolves around some rich white folks who take in an underprivileged blind African American kid named “Ray” or “Stevie” I think. Long story short, due to their kindly influence in the boy’s life and their copious sprinklings of cold hard cash around the lad’s environment, he goes on to excel in sports and becomes the first ever blind linebacker to be drafted by the Los Angeles Dodgers or something like that. Truth is, I was a little bit loaded when we went to see the movie, and the details are a little hazy. It usually takes me a coffee cup or two of gin to get through “family time.” At least this time my wife told me that I didn’t tell everyone what I really thought of them for a change. That’s good because I like to save that for special occasions like big family dinners, Bar Mitzvahs, and Christenings. Maybe the odd funeral.

Anyway, after the film’s huge success, movie studios were scrambling to recreate The Blind Side’s golden touch at the box office. Exit polls of the film’s viewers were instrumental in determining that the chief reason most people had gone to see the movie was in fact the inclusion of the word “side” in the movie’s title. Surprisingly, North Americans are head-over-heels in love with “sides” of all kinds. There is the ubiquitous side of fries with a side of gravy, sides of beef, cheap shot sideswipes at political opponents, and Tiger’s personal favourite: gettin’ a little on the side. All of these “sides” are integral parts of our societal fabric, and the sides of fries and beef are also largely responsible for the ever-increasing size of our clothing fabric. Naturally, the studios have been quick to capitalize on this love affair with “sides” leading to a glut of movies being released in 2010 with the magic word in the title:

The Down Side

Release Date: Summer 2010

So much perfect tousling!

“I think I’m a little too wasted to pull this off, Angie.” “Just do exactly as I say, you fucking Ken doll.”

Starring: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Plot: A psychotic and loosely wound showbiz progeny meets a down and out Sexiest Man Alive honoree and chronic co-star humper on the set of a movie both are set to star in. She lures him away from America’s Sweetheart Rachel Baniston and proceeds to introduce him to a fantastic world he never dared believe he could be a part of: the world of marriage, fatherhood, and being chased around the house with knives during arguments over who used the last of the toilet paper. He also becomes associated with the United Nations, both in a family way, as well as through inappropriate UN appointments for his wife. He soon finds the wonderful world he has become a part of has one chilling down side, however: her.

The Right Side

Release Date: Summer 2010

The sexual tension is palpable.

“Who needs an IQ when you’ve got your own TV show and a MILF haircut?”

Starring: Bill O’Reilly and Sarah Palin

Plot: A philanthropic and misunderstood bullying, screeching right-wing television talking head comes across a woman in a fine restaurant eating cheesecake with her bare hands and drinking Budweiser from the can. Somewhere beneath his revulsion, he finds himself wondering about her potential. Could she be a Vice Presidential candidate for the Republican Party one day? He sets about on a Pygmalion-like journey with her, starting with introducing her to his rarified high society world; the use of utensils; teaching her to speak; how to use a variety of guns for both self-defense and simple pleasure, and of course, a strong educational grounding in the disciplines of Judgmentalism and Ignorance. Through their journey together, they learn many things from each other. Bill teaches Sarah not to be afraid of threesomes with high priced escorts, and how to properly pronounce “Shot Op!” ;she teaches him how to deal with an unplanned pregnancy and kill a moose with one’s bare hands.

The Left Side

Release Date: Fall 2010

This is my 'O' face.

Ooooh, baby I love your way!” “That’s it Jenna, keep it together. Just stare straight ahead, it will all be over soon.”

Starring: Edward Norton and Jenna Elfman

Plot: A crusading environmental lawyer (Norton) goes to the High Arctic to serve the seal clubbing fleet with a stop work injunction issued by the World’s outrage. While on the ice floes, he meets a kooky, environmentally aware, albino Inuit woman (Elfman) who has been running from floe to floe, throwing herself between the sealer’s clubs and the perplexed seal cubs. Although beaten badly, and barely recognizable, Elfman’s courage inspires Norton to take her back to New York with him on his private hybrid 737 jet. He introduces her to the world of high level meetings on important issues like Climate Change © and Carbon Footprints © and teaches her how to properly encrypt her emails so they can’t be hacked by evil Oil Barons. Through their mutual love of recycling, bicycling, and carbon cycling, a bond is forged between them, and they fall in love. Elfman becomes the first albino Inuit woman to be appointed UN High Commissioner of Dubious Environmental Claims, while Norton is called to Washington to head President Obama’s Council on Greening the Shit out of Everything.

Wow, as usual Hollywood has gone all out in it’s efforts to please the masses once again! I for one might even go to see some of these movies sober. If I can get the family to stay home, that is.


  1. You missed one - ``the up side``. Oh, forget it, I guess there isn`t one - tee hee!!! Unless, of course you are a total sadist and would get great pleasure out of ..... say, Brangalina splitting the sheets and their greatest love ever known to mankind, and their adopted kids whom they gave a greatest loving home ever for three or four years, and their own kids whom they had because of their greatest love ever, and their millions of dollars because of their greatest love ever, and all their homes because of their greatest love ever of the home life. Then suddenly, without warning (tee hee) - POOF, the greatest love ever vanishes, and the movie fades out in the courtroom battling it out over all of the above - fact or fiction - YOU decide!!! Just saying, you may have missed a ``side``!!!!!

  2. I think it's pretty obvious who is the total sadist here. The cigarette burns on my arms are a gente reminder, too. Why must you delight so in other's misfortune?

    Oh, right, because it's so darn fun!

  3. PS Isn't it fun here all by ourselves in "took a month off, no readers" world?

  4. Ya, I thought it was fun, a little "alone" time with my boy, until you just had to remind me about the cigarette burns and all - way to wreck a nice, close relationship - I didn't burn just "anybody" you know!! I only burned those I really, really loved - kinda like a seventeen year old boy shows his mother he loves her by punching her in the arm!! I am just glad you never phoned 1234 on me - or did you? Oh my God, were YOU the one that did that??? Oh ya, and worse than a cigarette burn - I think that "gente" just might be spelled "gentle",tee hee, GOTCHA!!!

  5. I'd pay to see 'The Left Side' even in a clean and sober condition!
    Let me propose yet another premise:
    'A Side of Beef - the Convoluted Biography of Ah-nold Schwartzenegger'? I'm sure you could do that justice. ;)


  6. @ Mother:

    I kneel before your proofreading prowess. You might be even more anal than me. Not! As you should know, "gente" is a Sicilian Mob term for "brutally fucking painful." It would commonly be used in an expression such as "I'm-a gonna give-a that fuck one-a gente death when I-a fuckin' kill-a him!"

    @ Eileen:

    An intriguing premise to be sure Eileen, but I am positive it would bomb at the box office. As you are well aware I am sure, the public is scared of all types of genetically engineered food products, and Ah-nold most certainly qualifies as one hormone filled side of beef!