Sunday, December 19, 2010

Barack Obama’s ‘Merica

Winter. The season of discontent, malaise, and flagging administrations performing stupid human tricks to capture the bored and housebound minds of a fickle voting public in the run-up to springtime electioneering. Now I don’t want to beat a dead horse but…well what the fuck, it’s dead anyway. The Obama Miracle is slowly but surely morphing oh-so-painfully into the Obama Debacle. One could maybe compare it to Joan Rivers’ morphing from semi-amusing, little bit whiny, harmless GrammaComic to grating beyond-the-grave-plastic-marionette-escaped-from-a-shallow-grave-zombie-cyborg-idiot. Not a very appealing transition. The Obama Nation has truly become an Obamanation. The poor bastard can’t seem to get no love from bank-bailout weary, government stimulus shafted, unemployed, foreclosed and shitting-their-pants-about-how-to-pay-for-Christmas-insanity voters.

And now this. By this, I mean Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Just when the public could not possibly feel more out of touch with the wacky spending, Zegna suit wearing, economic rescue flubbing Democrat White House, along comes Sarah. There she is, larger than life, pullin’ fish out of the net with her kids, wearin’ gumboots around town, making dinner and preaching the value of hard work and determination being the keys to life success. Throw in a little bit of Halibut clubbin’ and Reindeer blastin’ and you are looking at the fixin’s of a recipe for a big public perception headache on the horizon for the Trillion Dollar Baby White House Gang. Never mind the part where Sarah gets choked up trying to articulate her hopes and dreams for her youngest son, who was born with Down’s Syndrome. Voter connection alert! Despite objections from longtime Beltway insiders who considered such things beneath them, the Obama administration has produced a sort of “reality TV rebuttal” to the Sarah Palin TLC series called Barack Obama’s ‘Merica aimed at the reg’lar folk and their all important votes. We here at Oh for ****’s Sake, given our stature in the world of fabricated expository journalism, have obtained advance copies of several episodes of the new series aimed at reconnecting with a disenfranchised segment of the voting public in America: Everyone but the Obama administration and Wall Street douches. Let us have a look at one of our favourite episodes and see how they did, shall we?:

Episode 2: Campin’, Pt.1

Don't worry, it's a hybrid.

“Act brave kids, these common folk can smell fear.”

Episode 2 is part 1 of a two part story arc that begins in a fashion many regular Americans can easily relate to: The Obamas decide to embark on a family vacation to explore one of the nation’s many amazing and wondrous national parks. In the opener, Michelle and Barack Obama are seen having a candid, apparently unedited conversation over a breakfast of foie gras and white truffle quail’s egg omelettes in which they discuss which national park might be their best destination in order to meet the most dirty unwashed regular American voter folk. Although Barack seems set on going to DisneyWorld, Michelle finally convinces him a trip to Yellowstone Park might be more appropriate because it is out West where there might be some voters that haven’t heard of him before and it has the added bonus of sounding “ethnic.” The Obamas are then shown in a typical American family wacky pre-camping scenario, trying to search in vain through their wardrobes for “hayseed” clothes for their trip. Ultimately, they end up sending an obviously harried White House staffer out on a government Lear jet for a quick trip the the Manhattan Bloomingdales “outdoor adventure” department to purchase much needed camping clothes. Barack shows he is ahead of the game however, and in a move that will undoubtedly foster a feeling of kinship with voters, produces his favourite navy blue camping blazer, waxing sentimentally about how he once wore it to a philosophical debate in the wilds of the University of Wyoming. The viewers can feel his awe and respect for the natural world as he describes his nerve wracking outdoors experience walking from the limousine to the campus auditorium at the university. At night, no less!

The rest of the episode plays out in a fairly predictable fashion with the family piling into their private jumbo jet and flying off to Yellowstone. Along the way, they participate in the usual family activities to break up a two hour flight that I think we can all relate to from our own childhood. They have a little champagne (non-alcoholic for the kids of course!) and brie, and learn a little about their destination, useful fun filled holiday factoids like “There are a lot of redneck crackers there” and “Don’t start any conversations with a Republican Idealogue.” Before the plane touches down, the Obamas are treated to a special “Wild America” style briefing from the head of their Secret Service security detail, that instructs the Obama family about what to do in the event of a “Bear and/or Hick Attack.” Viewers will be surprised to learn that the steps are eerily similar with the exception that the last resort, playing dead, might be unlikely to work on the hick who has already become accustomed to kicking, punching, and torching limp lifeless Wall Street effigy dummies. Episode 1 fades to black with the Obamas exiting the family minivan (Air Force One), filled with excitement about the adventure to come over the scheduled three hours set aside for their National Park vacation. Rumour has it that Episode 2 contains a quick visit by Barack to a local landmark known as “The Real Old Faithful,” a storied local outhouse with a glory hole where Vice President Joe Biden is said to have worked the graveyard shift while he was trying to put himself through law school. Viewers will feel an instant connection to Obama as he places his hand on the cracked wall of the faded, fallen into disrepair hut of anonymous "oratory" and looks off into the distance, his voice almost a whisper: “Joe, this nation needs you now more than ever.” Powerful stuff, sure to create a real sympathy with viewers who are also in a tough bind in their own lives.

Episode 4 showcases another quintessentially American past time, the family fishing trip, a screenshot of which is shown below. If it has one-tenth of the amount of “just reg’lar folk” vibe that the Yellowstone camping trip episode contains, Barack is almost guaranteed ride an upswell of voter sympathy that should cause him to lose the election in 2012 far less dismally than most pundits would have forecast.

Barack Obama Fisher of Men

“This is just like I remember fishing trips with my Dad. And our Butler, Jeeves. He always did such a great job of feeling my excitement for me, as a good fishing guide should.”


  1. Wow, welcome back - it's been "a while"!! Keep checking, and finally, VOILA!!! Thought that maybe you had finally rendered yourself "humourless" - ha, ha. So, to comment, I have to admit to watching "Sarah Palin's Alaska" and quite enjoy it. Reminds me of my own childhood, kill, eat, kill, eat, etc., etc. They DO kill a lot of stuff, however, it is amazing how many people buy a roast at Safeway or wherever and never equate it with a (used to be) living thing. When you grow up in the "country", you get used to the fact that your meat used to have eyeballs!!! Leave the Obama's alone - have you forgotten the alternative ie Dwya??? God Bless America - anything is possible - tee hee!! Oh ya, it was a caribou, NOT a reindeer. FYI a reindeer is a DOMESTICATED caribou.

  2. Thanks Mummy,

    The uphill battle to regain a sense of humour hasn't been easy alright. As far as "Sarah Palin's Alaska" goes, I've been watching it too, and that is the main point behind this post. That little Republican foray into reality TV is going to put some real votes on the table for them, regardless of how contrived it might be. I have a feeling that might not be all that much, actually.

    You see Sarah doesn't have to run for President, just align herself properly and donate all those votes to the Republican candidate. I'm kind of in awe of the show actually. Some Republican strategist is patting themselves on the back for this one. There are a lot of regular working stiffs out there who are going to identify a lot better with the Mom in the Gumboots on voting day than the Guy in the Power Suit.

    Just a silly prediction. I don't envy poor Obama inheriting what he did. He was screwed no matter how he tried to handle it. His only hope was to have one of those "Bigger Picture Leader" presidencies, but it hasn't really turned into that.

    Kill and eat? You hit the nail on the head with the roast at Safeway. Anyone who criticizes that facet of the show just doesn't get how a large population of the world lives, growing (and sometimes killing) their own food.

    PS How do you know they didn't airlift a drugged up reindeer in for the show to make sure she took it out?

  3. Ha, ha. I think you're right about the voting thing - a lot of people running scared of the "power suits" these days, for GOOD reason!!! Sundays show was on logging (haven't watched it yet), that could maybe also help the "voting public" to realize that there are still some resource industries (ie - JOBS)that maybe aren't as bad as,say,killing something with legs and eye balls - tee hee!!! One way or the other, I think you're right - some very smart "spin doctor" has mapped out the plan for the next election and has probably hit the jackpot with this show. A LOT of Americans have the inexplicable desire to experience the great "last frontier" that is ALASKA - ya'll come!!! Guess Obama is going to have to come up with some kind of an antidote like "Obama's Wild Hawaii" or something!!! Your father (after only seeing ONE episode) even likes her now - go figure!!!!! Run Obama, run!!!

  4. Sadly, Sarah is unlikely to end up with a cabinet post if the Republicans win. Unless they win in a landslide and can finally create the position of Secretary of Propaganda, a long held dream of the GOP.

    As far as Dad liking her? He always did have a thing for ladies in gumboots, raingear, and four hours' worth of makeup and hairstyling. Every girl knows it isn't easy to get that "Just rolled out of bed and onto primetime news" look.
    Aw, maybe it's just her lilting voice that sucked him in.

  5. Well, your Dad got the gumboots and raingear with a lilting nag voice ---- so, three outa four ain't bad!!!!!